Something I've noticed over the past month or so - is that I do ask H more about his work, his day, what's going on with him when I see him. At first he would be very prickly in his responses, but gradually he has started to open up a bit. It isn't great - sometimes he comes to pick up the kids, unloads and complains for a bit, then leaves. But he has started to ask about me and my day too in more recent times.
What I noticed though, is that this is new for me. I know that when we were living together weeks or even months would go by before I'd show much interest in his life or hobbies or interests outside of how they affected me (his availability for time with me, or childcare, etc). I'd only be interested if he was out playing sport because I'd have in mind how tired he would be when he got back and how that tiredness would affect me and how available he would be to me. I talked to him a lot about my own stuff - and he needs a lot more quiet time than I allowed him to have. He was a kind of stand in therapist / punch bag for me a lot of the time. I can admit that now and I am not proud of it, but I think it was totally invisible to me before he moved out.
My 180 is that I try to ask a question or two most times that I see him, and try to be understanding of him offloading and take it as an opportunity to validate. It also helps me to understand (though it does not excuse) why he had the EA - there were clearly needs that were not being met in our M. I try to keep that understanding in mind when I feel angry - as I still do sometimes - about the EA. And when he asks me about how things are with me, I try to answer honestly, but briefly. 180s for a distancer will be totally different, I guess.
I think for the two of us (H and I) there needs to be an adjustment as to how much space we take up in the relationship. As the pursuer I need to quieten down and step back a bit - and hopefully he will either take the chance to step forward, or the relationship will die. It's scary for me and I think terrifying for him too, as the distancer, to have that situational pressure on him to either participate and open up and self-disclose and experience desire for intimacy, or to let me go entirely.
