I had a hard morning this morning. Dog and Eldest were both playing up, and it was all a bit chaotic and I thought we were going to be late for school and I felt totally overwhelmed. Cried in the car after the school run. Had a brief chat with H (who is coming over tonight to take care of the kids while I GAL) which got a bit tense but we left it on good terms.
My instinct in these moments is to go to H because I want comfort and help. It's stupid because as has been said, despite what he is saying about R, he isn't available, able or willing to give that mind of support at the moment. I think he probably wants to be, and wants to be able to receive it, but the fact is that isn't where we are. We're not a team. And when I ask him for emotional support, this generally triggers a pretty defensive, critical side in him (here's why your difficult morning is your own fault) that I think comes from a kind of panic (I am never going to be able to be enough for her and make her happy so I will push her away) and this triggers me getting shrill and insistent and defensive and panicky and it escalates until I'm crying and we end up blaming each other. That didn't happen this morning, but only because we both had to get off the phone and get on with the day. I could sense it coming and I think he could do.
I need to stop this by not turning to him in this moments, but not doing it in a spirit of bitterness (I'm not calling that nasty so-and-so because all I get is criticism anyway and he's an awful, critical know-it-all who isn't worth bothering with) but in the spirit of turning towards myself and my own resources and being understanding - if I can be - that he has no resources for a relationship.
I think when I have a hard morning with the kids, I get very very self pitying. I start to feel resentful and uncared for. Abandoned, alone. Like I wouldn't be having such a hard morning if only H loved me / was a better person / etc etc. An attitude like that isn't me accepting the facts - which is that for the time being I am a single mother and I need to find a way to make that work without drama at busy flash-points in the day. I have most of the day alone, able to work at home at my own pace, see my friends and do GAL so there's no reason that a frantic hour in the morning is beyond me.
I also need a better routine in the mornings, and it will involve Eldest doing a bit more (he generally stays upstairs preening until he comes down, collects his packed lunch (made by me) and goes out of the door about half an hour earlier than he needs to because he likes to socialise with his friends before school starts. I think Eldest making his own packed lunch each morning would be a start and would free up a little bit of my time so things aren't frantic.
