I’ve been really swamped at work the past couple of weeks—end of a grading period, so had to get some grades in, so that explains the relative lack of posting.
Some updates on the sitch:
W / STBXW and I told the boys last week. She held OS, while I held / carried YS. At first, there were some tears from OS, but then it turned more into excitement on his end. We both affirmed for him that we love them and will be there for them, and whatever they need, we will do for them. He seems much more excited about the new living arrangement—especially STBXW’s new place. OS has said that he is a mix of emotions—that he is a little excited, sad, confused, etc, which is fair enough, I guess. I just wonder how long the novelty of the new living situation will last.
W / STBXW will be taking out a good amount of her things tomorrow. She told me that she isn’t really going to fight me for a whole lot around here, which is nice. Her mom is coming over to help, while I’m at work and the boys are at sitter / school. It still doesn’t seem real to me, but honestly......I kinda am looking forward to not having her around. Sure, not having the boys for only a little bit will [bleep], but I will do my best to be as present to them as possible when I’m with them. Had some practice with this on Saturday, when STBXW got called into work for something—I had the boys that afternoon and evening. I fed YS lunch, the 3 of us played with bubbles out in the courtyard, I fed YS a bottle and he snoozed on me for about an hour, we videochatted with my mom, we went out to the store, and then out to dinner, and then put them to bed.
I know being on my own will be tough (especially emotionally and financially), but I also am looking forward to gaining clarity in many aspects of my life. I can start to build more intentionally the life that I want for myself and the boys—what I want to focus on personally, professionally, financially, etc., as well as parent the way I want to when I’m around them (I find W / STBXW and her mom to be rather permissive and emotionally smothering as parents, and I guess as individuals more generally). Also am looking forward to meeting people and restarting previous relationships. I am also looking forward to setting up the residence the way I want to—to organize it more my way, as well as upgrade some items (some furniture pieces), as well as figuring out what all I need to replace when STBXW takes what she takes. I do understand that we are all somewhat messy in our own way, but I am really looking forward to cleaning up our current residence and being free of her messiness—not just disorganization of stuff, but also the personal disorganization that has been a part of my life, especially with respect to finances, since she’s been involved in my life.
I bet some things that I will need to replace or focus on include: the dressers for the boys (belonged to STBXW and her sister, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she takes those), as well as a long bookcase her dad made (also may end up having to replace that). I should also look into getting renters’ insurance in my name (we’re both on it, in her name), as well as look into getting off of the cell phone (again, both on it, in her name).
So the first night when we’re officially apart is May 2nd (Thursday), as we have unofficially agreed on a custody arrangement for the months of May and June. I have the next day Friday, May 3rd off—no school, because it is the day after prom. Trying to figure out what my best course of action is. Do I stay in and clean? Do I go out and be out and about? Planning on having dinner out by myself that night anyway.
Softball starts on May 4th, which will be good. Been swimming when I’ve not been swamped by grading, or being sick (I’ve been sick so much this semester, and I’m so tired of it), and I genuinely like it. What I’ve noticed is that swimming really helps with running, believe it or not—probably helps with general overall fitness and endurance, but swimming probably really helps with breathing and allows me to run better, for longer. Saturday morning I did a 25-minute run and I felt great. I know LH posted about me doing more with running, or lifting, or even martial arts (which is in my past and fascinates my students)—perhaps a project for this summer will be to look into finding a good place / teacher for martial arts and to get back into that.
When I’ve told some other people (family and co-workers) about my sitch, one common thread keeps coming up: that I may most likely get the boys way more than I anticipate, because of her travel / work requirements. We’ll see. My L told me that I have asked for (and will be getting) more custody than most men / fathers in her experience get or ask for, so I guess that is a good thing for me.
Work notes: I met with the current department chair (she is retiring), and her replacement last week. I got the email to set up a meeting, and honestly I expected the worst—my mind was swimming with possibilities about what it could be, and I anticipated the absolute worst-case scenario because hey everything else is falling apart, why not this too so I can completely hit rock bottom? I kept thinking it through over and over again—my performance evaluations have been really good the last couple of years, no major complaints about me from colleagues, parents or students. Well—we had the meeting—turns out I will be teaching sophomores and juniors next year, and not juniors and seniors, which I’m admittedly a bit bummed about, but I’m willing to go with the flow and do what is needed to be a part of the team. They both thanked me for the flexibility, which was nice. I will also being going to the University of Notre Dame for an ethics / Life and Human Dignity symposium in late June—early July. One thing I believe I remember viewing in the forum is the idea of taking on new / different responsibilities at work and stepping it up career-wise, so I figured I’d do that. Sure, I’d hate to be away from the boys for that time, but I’ll have 3 months with them when STBXW is gone for training. My current department chair asked if I wanted to reconsider going in light of my current circumstances, but I told her I honestly believe that some time away from SoCal / my sitch may do me some good. Getting out, traveling, maybe meeting new people—all good things.
I also got a thank-you card from a current student. Her parents are D’ing (I pretty much picked up on that from the beginning of the year—from what she shared with me about her sitch, it sounds like her dad went full MLC on the family), and about 6 weeks ago she had something rather traumatic happen to her on campus. This young woman is honestly one of my top overall students—she is impossibly gifted, incredibly smart, a wonderful singer, possesses a remarkable grasp of her Catholic faith for a teenage girl, and she carries herself with a grace and maturity that is far beyond her 16-17 years on this planet. She is an absolute joy, and I love her dearly (I’ve told her to her face that if I ever had a daughter, I would want my daughter to be like her), I wrote her a letter of recommendation for the ND Vision student conference this coming summer, and I also nominated her for a student character award, because I see so much in her and I also know she could use the confidence boost. Part of her thank-you note to me read: “Throughout my life I have struggled to find male role models who I know I can depend on. However, I can confidently say that you are one of the few men who I admire and trust with my whole heart. Thank you for being a bright light in my life and helping me through darker times.”
On the one hand—Wow. I am so honored that she recognizes that and feels that way about me. I’m so so glad to be there for her and do what I can to serve her. On the other hand—in light of what I’m going through, I feel like such a massive fraud—if only she knew what my personal life has been like this school year. Her parents are D’ing, and how can she look up to me when I’m going through a D myself? (I’m sure this is probably a part of NGS that hasn’t totally melted away, but this tension / sense of shame has been difficult for me to reconcile, though I am sure that that will eventually fade away with personal effort, IC, and the simple passage of time and personal growth.)
Hokay, I’ve written just about enough for now—need to get to bed and get ready for this week. Looking forward to feedback and suggestions—thank you everyone and have a great night!
