New to this - need to talk

[DnJ]

Hello bdp

What a well thought out and reasoned query. Very good self reflection and seeing your potential for an overly optimistic view of this. I see compassion, understanding, caring, and empathy all growing - well done.

This morning she actually is talking to me. She is NOT acting like a person that plans to leave this marriage. I’m honestly so weirded out, she is acting Normal!

It is so very weird, and you do get use to it. Really.

They can bounce from one life to another, one personality to another - quickly. They are driven by emotions, which can change in an instant. You are correct with your intuition, she is not acting like a person who wants to leave, she is acting normal. She needs to keep moving along until she is not acting.

Most after a while settle into one type of MLCer. Mine is a vanisher. I think it is too early to tell about your W - clinger, boomerang, or vanisher - time will tell.

I have read about LBS guiding them slowly. What should I be doing? I promise to not engage!

Keep detaching and focus and work on you.

If / when she wants to talk, talk with her. Let her lead the conversations. It’s even ok to do things together, although I suspect rather difficult without full detachment. Remember no pressure, no expectations.

Of course, this is assuming no affair. If that is the case then a very different response is needed. I do hope you are one of the lucky ones in this particular regard.

Basically, when she is looking for family time (not talking about intimacy), and if you are wanting it, and can handle it, go for it. Just keep in mind her speed.

Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. And for right now, you are the focus of what needs to work - not her. Everything here is to help you heal, progress, and find better.

I promise I am not trying to be overly optimistic but would there be a chance that this is a mild MLC? I fully understand she could go right back but it feels so different.

From my understanding - no.

There is no such thing as a mild MLC. The crisis part, once that happens, all h@ll breaks loose - nothing mild about that.

However, a mid life transition is possible. Milder than a crisis, and I believe a lot less running behaviours. More depression, and self withdrawal.

I place affairs, both EA and PA, as good indicators towards a crisis. A key item is confusion. The MLCer wants out of their life, marriage, family, problems - and then wants its back. They flip and flop. They project and blame more, with no ability, or very little, for self realization of guilt.

Your feelings and understanding are pulling in opposite directions. You understand she could revert, but you feel different. Very astute of you. Being accurate in thought and heart is a good thing.

Intellect becomes understanding.

Emotions become acceptance.

My biggest fear is I’m too detached. She is acting dismissive to my lack of attention towards her. It’s kind of like, I’m mistreating her now. I try to be positive but she’s definitely feeling the lack of attention. She will roll her eyes a bit and say “ok” in a manner of why are you so pissed off. I honestly can’t believe she could not recognize all the damage she has done.

How do I continue to Detach when it feels like it’s upsetting her?

So very good, bdp.

Your recognize a fear. Work on that. See the irrational tie it has?

Detachment. Find it. Don’t fear. She is attempting to pull you back in. Of course she is going to react.

Remember - focus on you. Everything you are doing is not manipulative - it is for you. It also gives you the best chance at a possible reconciliation. Counterintuitive, for sure.

Remember how you were when she acted detached and indifferent to you. All the stress and feelings. She will feel some of that also, and she won’t like it. Again don’t worry, if/when she is healed enough, there will be no force that would keep her away from you or the kids. That is a long ways off unfortunately.

How do you continue to detach when feeling it is upsetting her? That is a perfect illustration of being attached and the need for detaching. Let go your irrational feeling, the attempt at control of her feelings. You do not upset her - she upsets herself. Just as you upset yourself, W cannot make you feel anything either. That does take some time to get your head and heart wrapped around. You’ll get it - you are well on your way.

Continue your path. Choose better not bitter. Lead yourself, and your kids. When it is possible for W she might just follow as well.

Focus on you and your kids. Detach, let go, work through your fears, become a pillar of strength. Find your beliefs, see if you like them, alter what is needed, and follow them.

You are doing well. Keep moving forward.

Really good questions bdp.

I have a question for you. Why do you fear detachment? What is it that you are worried about? What future event(s) are you afraid of? Ok, that’s like three question. I mean just look at, and discussion of, the irrational part of that fear. By the way, if you notice, the questions are all about you, so should be your answers. (((bdp)))

DnJ