180 Counterproductive?

[sandi2]

She keeps saying "I love you" without me saying it first when leaving the house, I'd been saying "I love you too" but I didn't today. She said it 3 times in 5 minutes. If only there was any other sign that she wasn't just stringing me along!

Well if she said it three times in five minutes, she was noticing you weren't replying and she was trying to get a response.......would be my guess. Don't get obsessed over small stuff. Just say something like, "Yeah, you too", and move on. The point or rule is for you to not initiate the ILY's b/c it is pressure to her. But if she throws it your way while going out, don't make a big deal about it, and throw it back. At least until we have more details. Are you suppose to be in-house separated? I don't recommend you agreeing to that setup, but that's just me. I've not seen successful IHS.

The relationship history rewriting is really disappointing too now that I see the holes left behind where she used to obviously love me. That's the worst part. She did love me and was attracted to me even though she says she isn't or maybe never was. Limerence and the history rewrite are driving us into the ground.

No, it's driving YOU into the ground. You've just gotten started and have a long way to go yet. One of the first things you have to work on is letting this stuff go, or it will drive you crazy. Yes, she is rewriting history, but you know the original form and there is no point in arguing and trying to convince her that she has it wrong. It's a waste of time. Yes, she loved you, and probably will again......if you learn a few things. But here's the thing, it's not going to happen today. You have much more important things to deal with, so don't get hung up over this. I don't mean to sound insensitive. I'm just saying you've got to lay this aside and focus on the things we will be telling you.

After some sleep and thinking I realize I might still be doing detachment wrong and still being distant. I'm not...fun or bubbly and I will always lose that competition with the OM if I'm doing what I'm doing now. I'm not bad or anything, but hes *fun* and I'm not at that level right now.

A "bubbly" man? um.....no.....especially if that is not your personality. What is your personality type?

Don't get your focus on OM and comparing yourself to him. Do you know this OM personally?

For most of the relationship I was the aloof partner and neglected her in some ways to focus on what I thought were the foundational things. Part of her complaints with the relationship months ago were that she felt alone and I didn't love her and help. Not sure how to 180 on some of those without chasing.

So, set me straight, b/c she has said you were suffocating her. How can you be aloof and suffocate her?
Did the suffocation result from you trying to 180 on her complaints? If so, then here's the problem. If she were not wayward, it might be simple to resolve. You would just start showing her more attention, spend quality time with her, have date nights, etc. However, once she is wayward, her heart has changed and she doesn't want those things. Her heart has closed to you and opened to another man. Therefore, if you try to spend time with her, be romantic, or whatever......she feels as if you are sucking up the air in the room. I know, b/c I felt the same way toward my H. It got really bad when I entered the rebellion stage of waywardness. By then, I had OM in my head, and I couldn't stand for my H to get near me. Once I ended my EA and worked on myself, the coldness left and loving feelings returned. ((hugs))

Okay, so for now you won't be able to address some of her complaints, b/c she doesn't want it now. And b/c she doesn't want to work on her MR, you won't be able to be the type of H you'd like to be in every way. DBing is as much about what you don't do, as it is about what you do.

This might sound odd as well, but I need to actively look for ways to display my backbone, it seems like.

I would suggest you start by physically standing & walking tall with your back straight. Hold you head up and shoulders back. You said you were in good shape, so this will help you look strong and confident. Don't slouch, hand your head, shuffle your feet, or wring your hands. IMHO, a man shows that he has a backbone when he won't allow someone else to disrespect him, without consequences. He is not going to stand around and be bullied. If he has a family, then he is their protector and leader. He steps up and is decisive instead of being passive. He doesn't cow down to his W and become a "yes, dear" type of guy. He doesn't cry in front of his W and kids. He does it in private. He is the picture of strength, not just physically, but in his behavior/actions. He does not compromise his integrity.

I am considering setting boundaries with my family. If she wants this distance/fake separation, then I'd rather go alone when I have family events. I know this will go over like a lead balloon, but can't decide if it's the right thing to do, or overkill.

Don't agree to a "fake" separation, where she wants to keep it a secret. That is the worst kind! Plus, it is the epitome of cake eating on her part. Not sure I understand what you mean by setting boundaries with your family. Can you explain more?

I'm also going to start separating my finances, and tell her that I think going on vacation together is a bad idea at this time.

When is the vacation scheduled?