I am having trouble detaching. I understand every situation is different, and we have to figure out what works, but I am torn.
GAL is getting my H's attention. At times it brings him closer to me, at times it irritates him. Both are ok, I think. Living under the same roof and detaching is HARD! Our day to day interactions are pleasant. We have fallen into our normal morning routine- drinking coffee, watching the news, chatting. Although it feels nice, I do not want to be my H's friend, I want to be his W.
Yesterday I went out for the day. After H left for the gym to teach class, I went to my gym. Then I went and shopped for several hours. I bought new gym clothes. I purchased new undergarments at a specialty store and was sure to use our joint account to pay. Maybe a little manipulative, but I want him wondering what I am up to, I want to remain a mystery.
When I came home he had left for baseball practice. Perfect. I was sure he was wondering where I was. When he came come he asked me about my day, what did I do? I simple responded with, "I had a great day, lots of running around and getting stuff done." He explained that he came home and I wasn't here, so he left for practice early. I kept busy in the house, not really ignoring him, but changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning, etc. Looking busy. I had to walk past him many times and I could feel tension. I didn't initiate any convo, but tried to remain upbeat, singing, etc. For the first week I stopped buying his groceries. He was annoyed that he didn't have any snacks for the game. Of course, he was clearly annoyed that I was not giving him attention. I feel like saying- "go get the attention from OW....Let her buy your groceries- buy your own!" But I keep my mouth shut, smile and move on.
This morning things are tense. H came up and made coffee, asked about my plans for the day. I asked about his, "sounds like fun.... blah blah" He sat to watch the news with me. After several minutes of quiet tension, we both got up and left the room. H mumbled something about interrupting my peace and quiet and he should just go downstairs.
Detaching feels terrible. I've read the thread a few times, yet still I struggle. Of course, sitting around talking, eating meals together, sharing about our day, etc. feels great. We have both fallen into the trap of forgetting what is going on, and then reality slaps you in the face. It almost feels like progress, but I think it is only giving me a false sense of hope.
This week H has done some nice things. He brought me home dinner, has been putting my creamer and coffee cup out for me in the am (so silly, I know), texted me to check in when we had some crazy weather, calling me, etc. He was finding ways to stand a little closer to me, where just a few days ago he would step out of my way. But I can't fall into this trap. I can't pick up those crumbs. I have to remind myself that he is still involved with OW and I deserve more.
As I try to detach, it doesn't feel right because I feel him withdrawing. But, maybe that is a good thing. Perhaps he needs to sit and sulk and realize what his life will be without me. I don't want to send mixed signals, sitting and having dinner together in one moment to being scarce in the next. I need to decide either sit back and wait it out, or detach. I am worried that detaching is only pushing him out the door, but I need to remember that I've already lost him..... he already has one foot out.
