Holy cow! It's Tad...

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

I am sorry for the stresses you find yourself grappling with.

I feel that by being friendly and civil or whatever, it means that what she did was okay. It is NOT okay. It wasn't okay then and it isn't okay now....all these years later.

Being friendly and civil means you are just being friendly and civil - that and only that. It does not condone anything.

My XW had her big bomb drop at the supper table, in front of my parents and kids. She blew everything apart, announcing her boyfriend, her affair, and throwing her children away. Right in front of them! To their face!

Days later, she told them of her adultery. Directly to them. No filter. Yuck.

Is that okay? Strangely - yes.

This MLC is not anywhere close to what I had envisioned from life. It did not match any hopes for my future family and golden years. This is her path. She absolutely needs to take it, driven to run, a futile attempt to escape her pain; and that makes it okay.

All I mean is accepting it. I don’t like it, nor condone her actions, we are not friends, I don’t like OM, etc... It is just okay for her.

Forgiveness and acceptance are for you.

Your XW, like mine, her path is her’s, her actions, her choices, you cannot control them. Her situation is what it is, no matter if you go or not, no matter if you’re friendly or not, no matter if you forgive or not, and no matter if you accept or not. You cannot change her situation, it’s not about you.

However, your situation can change.

I offer is the path I’ve walked and what I’ve learned.

In the aftermath of indifference I saw my feelings, emotions, and passions lessen greatly. Love, hate, vengeance, anger, hope, despair - all became somewhat numb. They did not die, just asleep.

I found my convictions, my beliefs, the virtues and vices that make me who I am. I encouraged and fed the ones I wanted - hope, love, forgiveness, compassion, understanding, kindness. Those are active. They do not hurt anymore.

I pulled my XW right in to my heart, loved her unconditionally. I can understand her torments, her pain, can even see the “why” she is running and threw everything away. Once you understand something, or someone, you love them; this viewpoint does not allow her to be an adversary to me.

I love her (the old her to be honest). I love her enough to let her go. I love her enough to forgive her. That is incredibly freeing!

Vengeance, anger, despair, hatred - just are not a part of my life. And those ideas and feeling are really difficult to even “force” to the surface. I do have some sympathy towards XW, however it is mostly empathy that is the lens I see her through. Sympathy is pity and sorrow for someone’s suffering. Empathy is understanding. A significant difference.

All this is beyond the next 6 days and the upcoming celebration. I realized, just like you, there are many life events that will happen. How do you want to feel about them? How do you want to think about them? What beliefs do you want about them?

Forgiveness. It doesn’t blame, or seek restitution, or worry about condoning or legitimizing her adultery. It is you loving and understanding her enough, and letting go of your fears and feelings. As odd as it sounds, she really has very little to do with it. Forgiveness is truly for, and about, you.

Acceptance. Settles everything down. One has to have forgiven before one can find peace and acceptance.

Tad, I see a lot of fear surrounding giving credence to her fantasy, the legitimizing her actions. Of course she is looking for that, she has too. Very few people (can probably can even say no one) depict themselves as the villain in their life story. XW is her story’s heroine.

Let go of the fear.

It is okay.

DnJ