Feeling lost, scared and still fighting it... why?

[Turbine]

Nope. I feel like I lost ground tonight. This is going forward as she wants.

Short of a miracle I am facing a future that is 180 from what I had thought we would have. Time for us.

Didn't seem like we had a lot of time before this. Some of that is my fault. Staying in the Navy... wouldn't have had a whole lot of time for us then either. My rating was rather heavy on sea rotation vs. shore rotation. So for about 2 years of 7 I would have a "normal" family life. I would have finished my 20, been able to retire and not know my kids or my wife. There is a very high divorce rate for the military and the Navy is harder than the average. Gone for a deployment. Wife has to do everything. We get home and no longer fit in. Maybe not the first deployment or the second but it happens. Deployed and there is a car accident. Can't do anything about it and it is a stress. Kid gets sick. Kid gets hurt. Death in the family. Yes, there is emergency leave. When you are on the opposite side of the world it doesn't do much good. Doesn't help much if it is the day before you return to port either. So yeah, you miss a whole lot. You don't get it back and it all adds to a messed up married life. I still have some baggage from that. I got out in 1993. Long time to carry that isn't it.

Now it will likely be time for me. I don't want it. In no way shape or form.

It gets easier, better etc.

I need to let it do that don't I. Well right not I am stuck in a loop and I don't know how to break it. I'd like to, or at least that is what I tell myself. Yet for all that I aren't doing to well in this course of action. I don't know. All the what I could have done different are running through my head. Is she blameless? No. I can't change her, just me. So I'm stuck.

I don't want anyone else. Mahal ko ang aking asawa, talaga.

Not waking up doesn't sound so bad. I haven't taken anything, nor will I do anything to hasten that outcome. If its my time though... well the hurting will have stopped.

Yes. Pitch black dark. If I hold this in... how much worse will it be. I want to forgive myself for getting here. I don't know how to. Am I too far gone? Too broken? Too tied to her and the idea of US?