She recognizes this and says she "cant give me reassurances" and that she is "suffocating and needs space". I was mostly keeping it cool for a couple of months, but in March I had a bad few days, fell apart with anxiety and insecurity
The best advice I could give you from the viewpoint of a recovered wayward W, is to give her all the space she wants.....and then give some more. You must turn lose of the emotional rope you've tied to her. Find yourself without her. Don't depend on her to make you feel secure, or like a confident man, b/c it won't happen. You can't depend on what she says or does. Not at this time. She has lost respect for you b/c you won't lead and/or stand up to her like a man. You let her say/do things that have a hint (or maybe more) of disrespect for you. You probably try to cover for her, blame yourself, reason, etc. Maybe she even bullies a little bit, has a sense of entitlement, and/or a strong personality. You suffocate her with your constant presence (in person or by texting), always needing that reassurance from her. Needing to hear from her while at work, see what she's doing, where, when, how.......all the details. I really hate to hear about your anxiety issues. Are you seeking help for it?
Here's the thing. When a man has a WW, he has to show strength.......if he ever wants her back. By strength, I'm talking alpha male who does not accept disrespect from his W. The foundation of waywardness is disrespect. So for now, you focus on getting yourself stronger & grow bigger b@lls (nothing personal, it's my message to all who have a wayward W). You don't have to be mean, hateful, vindictive, cold, etc. But you have to be firm. You have to set boundaries. Know your own value. Know your life principles/standards. Don't compromise your integrity. And.....don't act on fear.
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In the background, I'm 95% sure there is an EA with a coworker that probably got hot in December. When asked, this was denied and blame shifting seems to occur. I don't want to snoop and be consumed with it, but any space I create, he is just going to fill.
How do I balance "I want to work on it" and some affection and normalcy before I started to withdraw myself with the now very cold feeling now that I'm withdrawing?
For now, you can't balance it, b/c she is wayward. You are finding yourself in the fix it mode. Your anxiety is causing you to feel the fear of abandonment, etc. I want to help you by sharing common things about wayward W's. It will be hard to digest, but at least you'll have a better idea of what you are dealing with. If you will start with the link I gave, it will lead you to other threads that discuss the key points of the wayward W.
For now, you need to forget about tenderness and affection. WW's are manipulative, cold, and extremely selfish. They will check your emotional attachment, as a way to keep you in the palm of their hand. You must not let any show of niceness, tenderness, or affection from your W mislead you into believing everything is good and back on track. She will hurt you afresh, if you don't keep your head clear. We will help, if you will post daily. In the meantime, don't say or make any grand decisions without at least running by the board and waiting two or three days to think it out (if possible). Oh, and don't repeat to her what you read on the board, unless specifically told something to say.
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Is 180 overkill right now if at least on the surface she seems to want to fix things? When last asked if she's ready to just end it, she said "no we are not ending anything" but she feels checked out since I started 180.
180 overkill is when the H is trying to correct everything on his W's complaint list. However, he doesn't know how to keep things balanced. For example if she complained that he doesn't help out around the house, instead of helping.....he starts doing it all, leaving her with nothing to do. That's not balanced and it's not the point of 180's. See what I mean? And overdoing on an 180 does not cause her to appreciate him more. In fact, it can have the opposite effect on a wayward W. He tries to fix the MR by going into overdrive, convincing her he has changed. But it becomes all about pleasing/impressing her, and some men fall into subservient behavior. The problem is that he believes this will fix the relationship. When the W is wayward, he could check off every little complaint on her list......but it would not cause her to have loving, affectionate feelings for him. His focus has to be on respect and how to get back his male backbone. She has lost respect for him as a man, and as her H. In order for her to feel desire for him as a man/husband, she has to feel respect. That's how she is wired. BTW, I suggest you not ask her anymore if "we are ending anything".
To be clear, I am not saying to not have 180's. I'm saying the 180's you probably need to do falls under the heading of nice guy syndrome and/or co-dependency. Most newcomer H's think 180's mean to start doing more housework. I've never seen that work with a WW! I've been studying this wayward business for twelve years and I've never seen a WW stay with her H b/c he started doing more around the house. And yet, nearly every WW will put that very topic close to the top of her complaint list. Should a working man help his working W around the house? Sure, but my point is that has nothing.....NOTHING to do with her real issue. She submits this list of complaints to cover up the real problem. It's about loss of respect in him as a man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
