Not a lot going on. Quiet this weekend. Bootcamp, yardwork (wrenched my back), ran some errands, chatted with D19. She has been burning up my phone all week with text messages and daily phone calls. She had to stay at school an extra 6 days for a final on Monday, and I think she is bored and a little lonely. Well, she will be with me on Monday until August. Can’t wait! S21 comes home Wednesday for 10 days. They will be going to an amusement park with their dad on Friday. I’m glad they will spend the day with H.
I briefly fell off the snooping wagon yesterday, but I’m back on track.
Something just popped into my mind this morning. It was very random.
I realized that I am so focused on where my journey is taking me and when it will end, that I am missing too much of the actual journey. Sure I have lots of days where I enjoy all the little things, and am content, but I am still letting thoughts of H and my sitch interfere with my experiencing my journey on a deeper, more focused level. I’m not exactly sure what this means yet, but I think I might be ready to shift gears. I have been asking God to speak to me, and I have lots of quiet time so I can listen. Maybe He spoke to me this morning.
I’ve also put some thought into what fears feed my anxiety. What am I afraid of?
I haven’t actually been as anxious this week. But, I have felt sorry for myself more than once. Home alone for a few days can do that. Keep busy, keep busy, keep busy. I’m sure at least a few dresses will be completed tonight. And the house will sparkle.
So back to fears. I can’t pinpoint any specific thing. Here are some things that come to mind. 1. I fear having to deal with a potential D and fear it could get ugly. 2. I fear the unknown – how will this end? 3. I fear I won’t be able to ever fully forgive, or get over my bitterness at H’s lack of healthy coping skills. 4. I fear H never really loved me. 5. I fear I won’t be able to find true companionship with H or anyone else. 6. Perhaps I fear I will always be alone.
It seems like a complete waste of time to worry about future events that may or may not happen. So #1, 2, 5 and 6 fit this category. It’s been said many, many times that our thoughts about future events are often way out of line with what will really happen, and what we fear is usually much worse than reality. Need to work on using my energy more productively.
#4 – Perhaps H never really loved me on a deep level. Maybe he did. If he didn’t, maybe he’s not capable, because his baggage got in the way. But, no amount of my worrying about this will change that we did have many good times together, and made 2 wonderful children. He was (and still is) a good provider financially. I was able to stay at home with the kids for many years. Regrets about never having that deep emotional connection with him are useless too. Sometimes I wonder if I had tried harder, instead of passing off his withdrawn self as H just being an introvert, whether we could have had a better emotional connection. But, I don’t think any of my efforts would have helped, because I have since realized that I AM capable of it, and have that kind of connection with many friends.
#3 - Forgiveness and bitterness. Just when I think I’ve gotten there, I realize I’m not quite yet. This is a work in progress. I know I will be free when I do get there. I want that.
I think a lot of what causes my anxiety might not be fear, but regret. Regret is useless too, isn’t it?
The story of Lot’s wife comes to mind. She had to be dragged to freedom during the destruction of Sodom, and was instructed to not look back. But, in Genesis 19: 24-26, she did just that, and became a pillar of salt. Lot’s wife looked back at a life that was, in her case, a life of depravity and self-indulgence. It’s no random act that God turned her into a pillar of salt. She was preserved looking back longingly at a life that God detested.
I don’t want to be like Lot’s wife, forever preserved in looking back at a past I can’t change with regret, unforgiveness, or bitterness.
No matter what you call it – fear, anxiety, or regret – it’s getting in the way of me being present for my journey. I think my journey has things hidden that, if discovered, will be pleasant surprises. I’m sure there will be discoveries that might not be so pleasant too, but I have friends and God to help me through them.
I want to experience my entire journey, and not miss it by looking back at the beginning or only have sites on the end.
