Not to get too phycological, but I believe that she is using sex as some sort of "hold back". As if it is a way to somehow control the relationship. Remember I shared that at times she said that she believed that I only wanted her for sex. I do believe that she may have unhealthy beliefs regarding sex.
That's very possible, and I agree that it can control the R.
Quote
W refused to a transparency plan after being caught in EA years ago. Says she felt it would send the wrong message that all was Okay in other parts of the MR.
I think this might be a teaching point for others who are newly dealing with a WW. For the wayward to refuse to cooperate in a transparency plan, is very telling of their intentions. They may give all types of excuses, but if her H is not some type of dangerous man where she fears for her life, then there is likely only one reason she refuses to be fully transparent. It's also a sign that she wants to hold the reigns of control.......which won't work in her recovery. The WW has to be willing to end her waywardness, and if she doesn't, then the M doesn't stand much chance to fully heal. She will hold on to that one area where she rebels.
Quote
You see she wants me to forget the past and never bring it up again, while reserving the right to justify her actions with something I may have done in the past. Seems about right.
She can't have both ways.
Quote
Well, in my "try whatever approach". Anotherstander, I sent a text with your exact words. Yes, a text because I am still pissed and knew that I could never pull it off with the right tone and delivery in person.
Her response:" Thank you for that. I will be happy to tell you what I'm doing and who with."
The fact that I was blamed for the whole pile of crap still resonates but I will try to keep that to my self. My last text yesterday was "Who's husband's arm am I going to push you into this time?"
I think Another Stander is gifted in how to word statements. I really do! That's why he is so good with validation. I wish I was the same way. From a distance, one can see why your W would react badly to your question, and calmly she responded to AS's suggested statement. I'm not saying you have no right to feel the way you do. I can just hear my own sharp words if I had been in your shoes! Holding in resentment and hurt can lead us to say something where the other person reacts, and the cycle continues. You are trying to make this work under very tough conditions, and you hold back until when finally saying something.....it may come out a bit sharp for her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
