He probably will get angry and sulk. How does Dilly 2.0 deal kindly and assertively with people who can't manage their own emotions in the face of a perfectly reasonable boundary?
Is it a reasonable boundary though? Or am I just being too protective, or not telling him stuff in order to try to make him jealous or insecure. That's probably not kind of me. If he's willing to tell me what he's up to (which he is) then should I be deliberately not telling him what I'm doing? I think maybe not, that just seems immature.
I had a difficult day yesterday, I went and did these GAL things but was too tired to enjoy them much. I also felt super lonely being somewhere busy with lots of people and couples out having fun, it's much lonelier in a crowd I think. I did meet some interesting people which was good. One was a divorced dad who was just soooooo bitter about his ex and about his access to his kids, it made me stop and think. Better not bitter, no matter what happens. He was so spiteful about his ex and that's unhealthy for everyone. It was an interesting day but I'm really tired still, time to hunker down with work and peace.
I've got the urge to sell this house and move somewhere else, but I'm pondering whether this is sensible or not. I've lived here a long time and was willing to move when dh wanted to go closer to work, but his behaviour at the time was erratic and unreasonable and unwilling to think about his family's needs (at one stage he made us all go look at a house which was FURTHER away from work and really inconvenient for the kids!). It would be annoying for the kids to move, but maybe we could compromise on somewhere which works for all of us. I feel the need to get away from the negative memories of this house, and I feel like it won't be possible to R with us in this house, because dh's memories are even more negative. I don't feel that attached to this place any more, and I have slightly itchy feet. I don't know. Maybe I'll talk it over with dh, not to force him to make any decisions but just to let him know what I'm thinking. We could always rent for a couple of years before the kids leave school (1 year to go for ds1, 4 for ds2).
I hope you don't mind me saying, Dilly, but you sound a bit unsteady. One day you're moving away from H, clearing space in your own room, giving him less information about your life. The next you're making internal plans for the house you're going to rent together.
No, I wasn't planning for him to live in this rented house, but this house we own is half his so I can't sell it without him agreeing. The rented house would be just me and the kids. I actually feel like dh has put us in a box and expected us to stay exactly where we are, I was up for a fresh start before he BDed and I feel held back and stuck here right now. And yes, I am super unsteady. My life is in real flux this year even without the whole dh question.
Today I feel less restless, more focused on just living my life and not stressing too much. I'm stressing about the huge amount of work I have to do (I got up at 5 to start today and this is the 3rd day in a row of that) and maybe that's impacting everything else. In a way, it's kind of handy having dh living away right now, I have to focus very hard on work.
Anyway, I am recommitting to my marriage, to believing it can work, that we can both make the necessary changes, and not losing heart. I can kind of see why dh is so confused, sometimes I am too. But my aim is to be the best me that I can be, to look after myself and my family and put the effort in to regulate my emotions in the face of these storms. I can be courageous for a bit longer, I have faith in us getting through this and coming out the other end with a stronger marriage and as better people. Change is hard, but I'm a determined and intelligent person. I can do this. Hopefully my dh can too.
I hope the busy period of work is over for you soon, Dilly. Exceptionally quite for me at the moment and for the next few months though I am not sure how much good that does me and I want to make sure to fill my time constructively in other ways!
I admire your commitment. I am so ambivalent about my marriage, and I am no way ready for piecing until I can be, in your words, full of courage and faith and determination and able to regulate my emotions. Not there yet. But where I am today is okay and where you are today is okay too.
Thank you Alison. I actually ended up having a good weekend. Got lots of work done, made a roast dinner for the kids and we watched something new and funny on telly. Took ds2 to his activity yesterday and dh came back home and took ds1 to his, then I dropped ds2 home and met dh for a nice bluebell walk. We were both more relaxed with each other, dh was tired and hungover after having a friend over on Saturday night but he was pleasant enough and spent quite a bit of time trying to connect the upstairs telly to things because ds2 wanted him to. He had to go rummaging in the shed for cables so he saw the things of his I'd put in there, he brought a few things back into the house and put them on the bookshelf. No comments from him! Definite 180s. He also must have noticed the clothes but again no comments, interesting I drove him to the station and said I'd drop his car there on Friday for him to pick up. We have arranged for me to meet him at the weekend, staying Saturday and Sunday nights together and going for a really long walk on Sunday. He asked me to book a nice restaurant on Sunday night. I'm kind of surprised he wants to spend so much time together but very happy to do so. This feels like a nice new phase, where I relax and just chill about what happens in the future. Hopefully the same for him too, but I am going to try really hard to be less reactive and stop these emotional spirals we get into together. No wine should help!
Feeling optimistic and quite relaxed right now. And I have to get back to my work, that's taking a lot of focus right now. I'm glad I'm finally less emotional so that I'm capable of it.
That's all really positive, Dilly. Perhaps his lack of comment about you making some space for yourself in your bedroom can give you the courage to get the picture and rug (I think) you mentioned? Not to rub it in his face - but because these were nice things you wanted for yourself?
Yes, though first I have to find some time to get to the shops, I'm still working very hard and juggling all the balls. Dh had some difficult stuff at work yesterday so he wasn't really in contact. I found that hard, but easier knowing why. I sent him a few light hearted texts about the kids. He has booked a table for lunch today, I'm not sure why he wanted to do lunch and not meet in the evening so I'll ask why. I know he had work commitments Tuesday and Wednesday and I'm busy Mondays.
I was thinking about the telly cables, he spent a lot of time sorting them out, went to the shops and ended up ordering something on Amazon. Before he left he (insistently) dragged me upstairs to show me where the cables should go when they turned up. I was thinking about that last bit, definitely seems like someone trying hard to show love and maybe ask for affirmation. I will make a point of thanking him at lunch today.
I wish dh didn't work so hard and give so much of himself to work. He's the one who needs to GAL really, much more than me. But I've learnt not to suggest he retires early, and to be supportive when he talks about work. There are a couple of people at work who have finally retired later on (most people retire early in his business) and when I asked why they retired so late he said they were single and didn't really have anything else in their lives. I could see that happening to him if we D, which seems very sad. It's not like they're curing cancer or doing a job which adds much to society, just making themselves and other people lots of money.
Anyway, keeping my expectations low over lunch today, if dh has this difficult work stuff continuing he will be preoccupied with that, and I know he doesn't sleep when he's stressed about stuff.
