As an aside, something happened to me today that affirmed a lot of what I'm trying to relate in this forum. I'm separated but still live with W and our two kids. At this point in my situation I feel pretty detached, and feel an odd and very transient pang of anger and resentment, but it's brief and manageable. I go for a walk and it goes away. As soon son as I've finally managed to corral and drop my pursuit (the ruminating, following her around, explaining her feelings to her, all the stuff involved in pursuit) the mood in the house turned around almost over-night. She stopped agitating for physical separation, and lately things have become rather pleasant. By no means is anything over, and I continue to be wary of the things she says, but they don't really affect me any more. I know she's anxious, and worried about the future, but me letting go has reduced a lot of the signal noise she had to deal with. So now the conversations about taking next steps don't feel torture sessions, and sometimes it feels like we're a team again. This is important because at the heart of our issues is lost trust, and having these little exchanges rebuilds that trust-bridge we tore down over the years. One brick at a time. I know I have to be patient. So that's where we are now.
Anyway, W has recently concluded her course-work for her PHd. I offered that we celebrate it in some small way. Nothing big. Just an excuse to go get some all-you-can-eat sushi with the kids. I make a reservation at the restaurant and we show up. We're greeted by a very attractive maitre d'. I'm feeling pretty good, smiling, crack a few jokes with her. She returns a smile. Then while she has the waiter prep a table for us my kids complain that they need to go to the bathroom. W offers to take them and disappears to the bathroom leaving me alone with the other woman.
Then out of nowhere, the maitre d' looks at me squarely and with a big smile asks me "So how has your day been?" I say "Great! I'm really looking forward to the sushi." I wink and then add in conspiratorial tone, "I've been starving myself all day in preparation." She laughs genuinely, and then we continue in conversation. Then it hits me. We're flirting! This isn't any longer a polite, business-like exchange of pleasantries but a full on expression of mutual interest. It was such an odd feeling because I experienced something that hasn't happened to me in a while.
Now I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, or trumpet my own success. The point is that me letting go of my W has allowed me to be me again. To feel free of gloom and indecision. To experience options. Once I dissipated that cloud over my head I started to notice that people respond differently to me, including my W. Even though my situation is far from over I do feel that I am going to be ok. It's incredibly affirming that all the hard work, in spite of the pain and hurt, is starting to pay off. I'm getting my self-worth back, and it's attracting people to me. Maybe that person will be my wife.
This is the point of letting go.
PS: It's funny, but until now, I don't think my young-self understood what my dad's answer when I then asked him, "Dad? What's the secret to having success with women?" He answered, "Having options."
