Hey so the most intense R talk we have had yet just occurred. Before I get into it I want to say thanks hurt. I realize that being a good father should be my number 1 focus. Right so my W got home from work. I was reading in the bedroom, our S sleeping in his crib. I ask her about her day, really listening and validating, seemed like it was a really good conversation. I tell her a bit about my day and go back to reading.
She then says something along the lines of “I want more child custody because I will miss him too much”. I deny saying we had already come to an agreement a few days ago. Support money comes up and I mention I saw a lawyer and know exactly how much I should be paying which was less that what she suggested.
She seemed pissed I saw a lawyer and this kind of erupted into the R talk. She seemed to think I saw the lawyer with D as my intent. I told her I saw the lawyer to know my rights and to better understand custody and support and that I didn’t ask the lawyer about divorce process.
From here she started talking thinking about hypothetical situations in the future and said “so what you start dating a girl and divorce me when it’s convenient for you?” I reinforced that I did not want to get a divorce (this was said many times this R talk lol).
We then transitioned into talking about what had gone wrong. She was very vocal and sounded pretty angry at times which was different because our previous R talks she seemed pretty calm and almost apathetic. Her complaints were: I barely helped her with our son since he was born. (Although she has been more involved, this isn’t true. I have spent a considerable amount of time and effort with our son. I think she is just trying to see the worst in the MR.) A big complaint was the video games. Although most days I used to only play an hour to chat with my buddies, she made it clear that she felt she was coming second in my life and this was very hard for her. She became very upset when talking about this part. She also brought up that now I’m buying new clothes when she’s been trying to get me to do that for a year or two.
I did a poor job at handling my emotions because I spoke to her with frustration. But I validated well and apologized and said that I was being dumb and just shrugged off her opinions as nagging. I said that if I had known that this is where things would end up I would have never played the video game again.
She was still upset and said the typical WAW stuff: I do t care I wanted that stuff a year ago. At the height of her frustration she said something like “I’m done!” Things cooled off after this a little and we talked about rules of our separation. This is what annoyed me. During this part of the R talk she was talking as if this separation was my idea and almost seemed to be placing it on me, even though it is her who wants to separate.
She said that she is looking forward to going out with her friends more. Which she did extremely rarely during our M. I asked her why she didn’t spend time with her friends during our M and that I never controlled her or turned her away from her friends. She didn’t have an answer for this. It’s strange because I have kept up with my friends but the last few years she hasn’t made an effort to see her friends. I feel as if she blames me for this but I am not controlling at all and have no problem with her hanging out with friends.
We next talked about seeing other people during our separation. Once again she shifted blame to me and said how much I was going to be sleeping around. I replied with Readys quote: I don’t have any intention of complicating my life with another woman. I am still focused on making this marriage work. She then said that we should basically be okay with making out with other people but told me no s*x. I don’t really believe this and if it’s going to be that kind of separation fine, I will see other people.
At this point I clarified that I still wanted to make this work and that our son is better off having parents who are together. She responded “well he is screwed then”. This really set me off and I calmly said: “if that’s how you feel you are already completely checked out and we should just file for D.”
This was the turning point of the R talk. It was like she hit the brakes at the word Divorce. She then started saying things like well maybe I will miss you during this S and we can see if it will work. And then spoke of counseling saying maybe she would want to do it down the road. (This is an improvement over a week ago when she had 0 interest in counseling). She then talk about hanging out with our group of friends together which I replied that I thought would be weird. It was strange that at the thought of divorce she seemed to be second guessing herself. I then said it’s fine we both just need time to be on our own and think.
This R talk gave me hope oddly enough. From her angry reaction as opposed to her normal apathetic reaction to R talks it almost seemed as if she cared. Maybe she is seeing all my detachment and 180s and is skeptical that my changes will last. Or maybe I shouldn’t believe anything she says lol. No matter the outcome I will be a better person.
After this R talk there was no tension and we even joked around before she fell asleep. She said something like “don’t try to have s*x with me tonight. I responded that it wouldn’t mean anything. She replied “it does matter. I’m not done random girl. We are married”. Interesting. Thanks to anyone who made it through that wall of text. Your input is appreciated.
