I made this very clear and non-negotiable to her. So I am essestialy setting her free, but I'm only going to do what's required.
She also wants to quit her current job as a special needs teacher behavioral specialist by this June, which she makes about $63 K annually with amazing health insurance as a Behaviorist. She wants to work from home remotely as a Remote Health Coach Nutrition Specialist/startup business to be home with S1. Average median is $48k. This is something that she does have a little bit of training from online weight loss modules. But has absolutely no real world experience in or experience in running a 1099 or independant business.
IHCLACS - I'm gonna be honest with you and say that your last post really sounds like pursuit. You say you're letting her go but then you spend the whole next paragraph rationalizing how she's doesn't know what she's doing. Being detached means you let that go. It really, really sounds like you're spending a lot inordinate time on what she ought to be doing. That's pursuit, and she probably feels it and is going to make choices on the basis of that, and they're not going to be turning her towards you.
Look, she's made up her mind to leave. She will leave. The only choice you have is the last thing she'll see when she looks back. If there is a chance for you guys you have to let go, detach, and show her that there is still the guy in there she initially fell for when she met you. Your other choice is to show her the resentment and hurt you're expressing. Nobody has ever said "I want to return to a situation when now the man I left might not trust me and resent me for leaving in the first place." Even if she thinks it's her fault, she'll scramble away from your negativity as fast as she can. Imagine if someone kept telling you that you're making the wrong choices, and not validating your agency. Would you respect that?
Let. Go.
Someone who is detaching is focused on their daily positives in their writing. The things that made them feel good about themselves. What do they hope to achieve and the positive outcome they think it will bring. What happened lately that made you feel good? I'm not saying pretend to be happy, or never write about the negative feelings you have, but don't use up so much space to describe your resentment towards what she's doing. In psychology it's a form of rumination. Like constantly repeating a mantra that dictates your driving motivation. If you ruminate on resentment, resentment is going to grow. Resentment is insidious like that - it rewires the brain, and you both have been doing the rewiring for a long time. It will take a long time to undo it, but it has to first be a conscious choice. Until it becomes habitual. Then it gets easier.
Want another analogy? I'm full of them. (Ha!) Whenever I think about the enormity of what I'm confronting I imagine a giant stone wheel on a pivot. It's turning fast. It built up a lot of momentum over the years, but it wasn't always spinning in this direction. There was a time when the wheel spun the other way. That was the time when me and my W loved each other. It took us both contribute negative energy to force it to stop then spin the way it rotates now. It wasn't a big, abrupt change. It's was the collective action of small choices and dynamics that got it going that way, and so it will take a long time, and a consistent inverse input of energy to restore the original spin. That's the only choice you got - add more to its current inertia? Or slow it down, stop it, and reverse it? Consistency is key.
Incidentally, have you read Melissa Orlov's "The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship " I think, that if ADD is in the picture you need to read this book (I can't remember if someone mentioned it to you before). Anyway, it's a compassionate look at the dynamics that develop in relationships where the disorder is present. When I first read it, it almost cut me off at the knees; it was like someone followed me and my W around for 10 years and took notes. It described my marriage exactly down to the smallest detail. Maybe you'll find your self in it as well. Anyhow, it's full of very accurate advice from a person who has lived the situation her self and managed to recover. I can't recommend it enough.
