Thanks AS and FS. This stuff isn't easy to hear and it is even harder to do but it makes sense.

What else do I have going on?

Well, I've seen a friend every day this week and I will be seeing a couple of women friends tomorrow morning. Mainly coffee, dog walking, lunch, etc. I don't talk about my situation with all of them - in fact, there's only one or two I confide in. It's just to stop me getting lonely - I work at home and would be alone all the time other than the kids now.

This afternoon I saw a friend who was having trouble in his own marriage - we talked about both our situations for a while. They're still living together and he is finding it incredibly hard - and it made me feel a bit grateful that at least I get peace and calm and plenty of GAL without having to tread on eggshells, as he is doing and as I was doing when H and me were living together. I still have that 'treading on eggshells' feeling when I am around him - I can't ever get away from the feeling that I am being assessed and found wanting.

H texted today. He had an important meeting re his work and when he sent me his goodnight text last night (very affectionate again) I replied and wished him luck with the meeting. He texted afterwards to let me know how it went and asked how my work was going. I kept it cordial and brief.

Tonight Youngest is with H and I had some special time with Eldest, including a trip to the beach. He's getting on a lot better with H - they're texting and spending more time together when H is here (though Eldest won't go to where H is living right now). Even as much as six weeks ago I really couldn't imagine that happening - them thawing towards each other. It is fragile and it needs me to stay out of it, but I am grateful for it, whatever happens with my marriage. And I'm also grateful for the time I'm being able to spend one on one with Eldest - his behaviour has improved a lot these past four weeks, and his confidence, and while it isn't perfect, I'm noticing that we're talking less about boundaries and more about his feelings about things, and that's new. There's a new maturity there, and I think perhaps he's a bit more secure given that the house is MUCH more peaceful than it has ever been, he's seeing me happier and more cheerful and enjoying my life more often, and there's some consistency around screen time, language, homework time etc which there wasn't before, and which was a big source of conflict between H and I.

I have my goals - about my reading and hobbies and my work - and that's been happening too. I will see H tomorrow afternoon. He is caring for both kids and the dog (which he has warmed to a lot) while I do some clothes shopping in the afternoon - need some new walking gear for the solo holiday I have booked later in May. I am really really looking forward to it: I think all that silence and solitude and time to read and reflect and be outside is going to do me a lot of good.