04/25 Journaling from an defensive posture but confidant side in my abilities and worth. (Its funny how you can easily take your WAS and sich off your mind when you take a defensive stance, let go, and look after yourself.)
W and I had a discussion the other last night about S1, date/weekend swaps last night. She wants me and her to get together with all of our mothers for Mother's Day which falls on my weekend with S1. I told her I would have to think about it. I agreed that whether we do Mother's Day together or separate, S1 will spend time with her, despite it being my weekend. We planned our scheduling into June well into Father's day which is also my weekend with S1. I was considering having him for the whole weekend for Father's Day, but she was in disagreement with it even though its Fathers Day and my weekend again with S1. So I basically left it tentative and open for discussion as FD nears.
I was considering doing Mother's Day together, but after mediation/child custody/house sale discussion last night. I might decide to keep the holidays separate still. Special celebrations I'll put my differences aside and attend. So we hammered out a schedule for the next month and a half, she invited me on a vacation or two.
So W has scheduled a Realtor for potential improvements and market value evaluation for this Sun. The last time we had this discussion she got really upset, started crying, and getting mildly hysterical, with the crocodile tears, because she believes in her mind that I'm holding her hostage to the house and mortgage, I'm not going to go along with it and sign any documents pertaining to the sale of the home. She just wants to sell it, dump the mortgage, pay off her outstanding debts, get whatever profit from house sale, split it, and start a new. She's going to be bouncing back and forth living at MIL new apartment, and their weekend trailer. Although I do encourage her and support her chasing all of her hopes and dreams, I am curious to see how reality plays out with all of these bucket list things of hers, and whether she's going to achieve them, or get a hard dose of the real world?
I have had to explain to her at least 15 times now. That I will accommodate her by finishing the house projects, moving my stuff into storage, and preparing for both of us to live separately else where outside the MH, and securing a place for myself and S1 after sale. But I will not initiate or help with the sale process other than review and closing. It is not my choice to leave the M, or my best interest to leave the M home on her timeline or agenda, unless I'm forced to. (Which I am because I probably cannot refinance, or swing the full mortgage on my own. I also made a point to her that half the marital property is hers and half the marital property is mine. That I am the one that has vested all of my own money on the improvements over the last seven years. We have recently agreed to split the cost of materials needed to finish the open-ended and finishing touches of the projects.
Its not my job to do the leg work for her or make it easier for her. She can figure it out for herself. If she needs anything from me to review and sign, I will review it, and if I feel after reviewing it, we agree it is in both our best interest, I will sign it to finalize sale.
She says to me: "So as long as she does all the leg work, and as long as I get my share of the profit split for doing absolutely nothing and not being involved in the process." I just validated: "I'm sorry you feel that way and that we see things differently." She thinks I'm trying to be punitive. So I validated again: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not trying to be punitive. You are getting what you want either way. How am I interfering in any way, and how am I not doing my part to accomdate you in attaining your goal?
It is not my decision to sell, or leave the M Or MH. That it isnt fair to me that I'm forced to relocate, and go through the troubles of moving and securing a new place when I like it here, and it serves our S1 better, while she gets to go off and start a whole new life with a fresh start, while also taking half the profits if we make any from the sale.
I made this very clear and non-negotiable to her. So I am essestialy setting her free, but I'm only going to do what's required.
She also wants to quit her current job as a special needs teacher behavioral specialist by this June, which she makes about $63 K annually with amazing health insurance as a Behaviorist. She wants to work from home remotely as a Remote Health Coach Nutrition Specialist/startup business to be home with S1. Average median is $48k. This is something that she does have a little bit of training from online weight loss modules. But has absolutely no real world experience in or experience in running a 1099 or independant business.
She is now expressing interest in Child custody, parenting plans and child support. But a few months ago, she wasn't interest in going the legal route, or retaining a L, but was considering a mediator with everything. I'm pretty sure she's intimidate by the legalities, the costs, and doesn't understand legalise, nor had done her research. She's too busy looking at $50k houses, day dreaming of her new life every night, and watching reality shows.� I'm a dope for bringing up the subject a few months ago, and now I'm asking for marital documents to copy pertaining all mortgage, marital, and S1 info to copy just to be prepared info since she retains some of them in her file bin in guest room. I just want copies to have a consultation to see what my options are.
LBS's take note of this. Do not let your WAS know what you are doing as far as legal consultations unless asked, and even then. Do initiate R talks, or educate them on CS talks or Mediator talks. Do not let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. Take your heart out of the equation and protect yourself and your children. Let them get educated and do their own work and research.
7 months of no interest in the subject. She sent me a link to a local mediator last night through text. So I was like.
H: Ok? What do you want me to do with this? W: Research her I guess to see if it's someone you want to use W: I think we would go to the mediator together. If you want to ask a lawyer questions youd go on your own H: I don't think a mediator is of any interest to me, or you. We already have informal agreements being met on good faith related to split finances, split responsibility, debts, child scheduling, etc. Only interest a mediator, (at least a consultation ) for me would be for marital property, and child custody. So far we are agreeable on all. Yes? W: So far, but I want something more concrete in place for custody... I dont know how all if this works.
She has no idea that our state doesn't have 50/50 custody or legal seperation, just sole physical custody and legal, shared and joint. CP and NPC. No idea about alimony, CS calculations, imputed income, voluntary unemployment, etc. I don't think she even realizes the purpose of a mediator is to solve disputes, legal, parental, or otherwise, and as of current, we don't have any other than POV.
After I wrote this. I was walking around the house grabbing a few things. Silence being so thick, walking past her not even looking in her direction like its been for the past 5 months. I decided to make an espresso, and just sit on the couch across from her while she indulged in her shows with a blank, concerned, depressed face. So just for the hell of it. Not because I wanted to make a connection. Just wanted to see if it was me or her that has been creating this distance. Just wanted to see if she was ok. We had a really good talk, no R talks, (believe me I'm done having them as they are exhausting.) But the usual talks about personal growth, concerns, goals, individual dreams, etc. I'm going to compose and update that convo later. Interesting topics and dynamics, some that I've noticed several times before, each time now with a new perspective on dynamics.
