Adam - when BD first happens our emotions are all over the place and can't and shouldn't be trusted. So we rightly, go against our instincts, stop all pursuit and work on us. It is hard as hell but we do it. We keep conversations short because anything more could lead to more hurt and backsliding. We guard our hearts. But slowly, over the months through GAL, 180 and detaching, and acquire the tools to navigate their storms (and some storms of our own making). And we come here. We use this board to question, to vent, and sometimes as a way to constructively make our way out of the cheeseless tunnels (by way of one or two of AS's 2x4s).
Like you I had put the tiny flicker of hope that refuses to be extinguished way way back at the back of my mind. Whenever it pops up (an unexpected smile, a gift, a small kindness) I say "temp check" and push it away.
But at some point we should be able to trust our intuition again and cautiously let down our guard.
We forget that it is OK to hope. It is OK to enjoy intimacy with your W. It is OK to show kindness. Just don't expect.
Open up your heart a little (reciprocate smiles, reciprocate invites, offer small kindnesses). Become friends. But do so with no expectation. Expectation is what brings on the hurt and remember she has been careless your heart before.
