My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 6

[ovrrnbw]

Thanks for checking in on me Steve.

I've been starting the new gig, things are going well there but are tough b/c I have plenty to learn. Things have been up and down for me. Went to LA and San Diego for 10 days from 4/5 to 4/14 and that was great. W came with me, extended her trip to the whole time. Initially I wasn't excited about that but it turned out that we had some cool adventures. We had a few heavy conversations and I've been less worried about speaking my mind than I have in the past. I don't put all of my pain out there for her, but I'm not afraid to talk.

I don't know why I stayed away from the forums and my own thread for a while other than I was just fatigued. Coming up on my BD anniversary was stressful and I was thinking about filing for divorce and just pulling this tooth. I know I'll always have swings and am getting better at reacting positively to them. In the past year, I've stopped my emotional abuse to the W. No more nitpicks, no more name calling, no more belittling. I've tried to carry that over into other areas of my life too, even my driving. I tried to think, act, and talk more positively.

Now, did W ever prove it's over? One of you asked me about this recently (thank you!!!). We had discussions about this but I don't feel like W went out there and really proved it. And it's kind of sad that I don't really care like I used to. There's only so much a person can take before they just shut it down and stop worrying about horrible things like affairs. On the flip side, my W felt this exact same way about how I was treating her in the years leading up to BD.

She's been home every night, we've been communicating in a much different way than even 3 months ago, and W and I had an impromptu meeting with my Dad and sister on Easter morning. It was a talk/cry session for everyone except me, I'm too tough for that . Of course W freaked out on the way and called her parents instead of talking to me. If I'm going to remain with W I probably need to accept this kind of thing in the short term, and set my boundaries in the long term as far as them not picking and choosing when to drop in for advice. I have my concerns about W, but I'll just air them out this week. If that chases her off, then I will be a little sad but there will be a major absence of a negative. I would have the house to myself and I would be just fine.

My story has been an up and down tale and a major learning event for me - and it is still going. I don't know what will happen but I am going get through no matter what. I'm continuing my weekly IC. We are starting to veer away from my W and into my head, where the painful memories of my childhood still reside and where I have concocted many a scheme to keep my W right where I wanted her, making her feel pitiful and small. One thing that came up was self forgiveness. And it's true, part of the reason I was able to bear the weight of her incredibly horrible affair was my own guilt from how I treated her. Part of it was me loving her so much. Part of it was me not wanting to be divorced like my dad. But I've been letting go of that guilt. Does W still think, feel, or expect me to hurt her? Maybe. And she'll get over that, or not, in her own time and her own way. In the meantime I am working harder at work, at GAL, reading, training my pup.

I've made some serious career strides this year, but I do owe my W and my Dad, and many others, a big thank you. W signed off on a line of credit I needed to get my business off the ground. My Dad helped me restructure a boat loan to obtain that line of credit. My Dad still has a ton of issues and still tends to hurt me and my siblings, but for now I'll focus on his positives and maybe start to enforce stronger boundaries with him too. I guess that's what moving forward looks like for me whether I speak about him or my W. I'm finally going to read DR again with somewhat fresher eyes. I may read my own threads again one day too, but I don't know. Thank you for everyone that has followed my story. My screen name is "Overtherainbow", and that's the only place I thought I'd ever see my W, and my happiness. I thought I was losing it, that my life story would change and I couldn't recover. I was spinning out of control and hoping desperately to change my situation. I've come to grips with it and I couldn't have done it without the support that I received from MWD and everyone on this board.