Here is my story, and any advice or help is greatly appreciated.
M: 13 R: 15 S13 S:9 Me: 36 W: 35
Back in 2018, W started to get distant, told her we needed more time together (she works 3rds, me 1st) started blowing off "date nights". Went on trip with BF and her daughters to Virginia for a cheer comp. Took 2 days to even call me or the kids. Needless to say I was pissed off. She came back and the distance kept growing. Fathers day '18 i get not even a happy father's day for kids. I took my ring off and she goes I havent been happy for a long time. Fast forward 2 weeks and we are separating. She says she is staying with her cousin and BF. I started getting suspicious, messaged both BF and cousin, have no idea what im talking about. A week later, I find out their is OM and she is living with him. Here is the kick in the nuts: she would spend the night there, and come home to watch kids in the home while I went to work.
2nd A, 3 separation. I finally initialized divorce. Took about a week to figure out where she was living. Had divorce papers served by court appt rep at the new apartment (when I say it was a [censored] whole....wow!!!). Went for full custody as I didnt know if she was back on her drugs. Fired from medical field for forging fake Rxs for herself. Full blown withdraw seizures and everything. Detox 3 days and no counseling (while the distance was growing paid for her attoney to keep her out of jail b4 I found out there was an A). Currently on probation and should be off end of June. I was awarded temp custody and child support. Kids live with me.
Final court date was supposed to be in March, but we could agree on parenting or child support so it has been put on 90 day hold. She came to discuss the issue and after about 9 months I let go of the hurt feelings I had. I just discovered this site and the 37 rules recently, but put many of them in place during those 9 months. Im assuming what she did was an exit affair if that sounds correct?
Now here is my issue: we are attempting a reconciliation during the 90 days stay on the divorce to see if it is possible. Unfortunately, i dont believe it is as she said the famous ILYBINILWY line and told me that she wasnt attracted to me anymore. Not really an issue as she brought an std back to the marriage (which I have been checked b4 R and have not been physical with her since). After that bit of info, I let go of the rope as i no longer feel i can even try with someone that is not even physically attracted to me. I may not have been perfect H but I treated her great (BF even told me I was to good for her and she will never find another like me).
A month after Dday, i set up GAL's: started working out, running, lost 50 lbs and completed my first 5k in under 30 min beginning of this month. I am at the point that I am more focused on myself and my kids than wanting to try and make this work. I did try to be the lovey H at first, but I decided that I needed to take back my balls from her and be the man I used to be. Reconnecting with new and old friends, met a few new female "friends" which might turn into more once divorce is over.
What I am wondering is how to break the news to her that I am going through with the divorce without making a big scene? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. thanks
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I read the posts from sandi2, that is why I felt comfortable enough to post this. She is really insightful and spot on. Im turning a buddy on to this as his did the exact same thing with him
Well I think this may be the first request from a first time poster on how to precede with a divorce.
Wife I have thought really hard about it and have decided that i want to proceed with the divorce process.
Just know that if you make this statement and are only doing it for a reaction and have to rescind it later because you really don’t want it, this will make you look weak and even less attractive to her.
I would think this through. Something is not adding up.
It sounds like the ILYBNILWY and telling you she isn't attracted to you is stinging so you're cutting bait and running. Lurch, here is the deal...... We've all heard that. Everyone of the LBSs that posts here has heard that. Those that have successfully reconciled, and those that have not. We've all heard those things.
As you generally an impatient person? Are you impulsive? It feels like you are. Here's the deal, WAWs lose attraction AFTER they've lost respect. You have to regain her respect, then attraction will follow. For women attraction is not about physical looks. So working out, running 5ks won't hurt, but without rebuilding respect it won't fix things.
And this takes a LONG time. A lot longer than 90 days in most cases. Heck, I turned my sitch around in record time but it still took 90 days, and that is very a typical. You can't turn around in 3 months what took years to get into.
If you really want a D then don't tell her anything. Just talk to your lawyer and move it forward. If there is even a small part of you that wants to save things, then put in the time, energy and effort to give it a real chance. Earn your way out of this marriage. You don't mention anything about IC. Without it you likely won't deal with any unresolved feelings and emotions. Which means your next relationship is doomed to repeat this pattern. Do the work. Earn your way out. Be able to look your kids in the eyes in 10 years and say you did everything you could to stay with their mother.... And be able to say that honestly with integrity.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
IC I have not, we are in MC but she never shares anything with the counselor. We were able to figure out through myself, a mutual BF, and her IC (court ordered) that this is also a MLC thanks to statements such as "im lost and dont know who I am anymore" and "I just dont know where I wanna go in life". The fact that she told me she views me like she does her 2 BF is what killed any attraction I had toward her.
Also, during our marriage counseling (i had already figured this part out) she thinks that the loving feelings she lost could be found with someone else. I asked her to describe the feeling in MC, and what she described was Limerance/infatuation. She never seen what real love looks like even from being very young.
Additionally, due to trust being broken with 1st affair, then drug addiction, and now this latest affair where she left for another man and moved in with him, I don't think I could ever trust her again.
The fact that it was with a person at her work (found out 2 others during our seperation period as well) and one is one of her supervisors and she is unwilling to change jobs or even departments on top of the fact that she still has all 3 as "friends" on Facebook which I have told her those need to be removed and blocked (i did a few of the females I was talking to) and she still gets messages from them but deletes all messages b4 I can ask to see them.....am I wrong in thinking that she is keeping me as a backup.
Im not an inpatient person by nature, but the thing that is messing with me the most......with her std what point is there in trying when neither of us think this really has any shot at getting to true R. Should I risk my health that I've worked so hard at improving and finally getting my confidence back, just for her to say after she figures out what she wants that it isnt this still (assuming she has come out the other side of her MLC) and now being stuck with something I cant get rid of for the rest of my life?
On IC for myself I have not. I am part of the beyond affairs network and attending meetings, as well as the healing from affairs groups. I have also had plenty of time to think of what I want from myself and any future relationship (with Spouse or not), and I dont honestly see my wife getting anywhere near that point....ever. She is content with just having a job, never setting goals (still) and just living day by day, and watching mindless drivel on TV in her free time instead of spending it reflecting on everything (plus no apology as of yet).
