I’ve had a few bouts of anger towards ex over the last week... which is good! I haven’t really been able to conjure up that emotion and just feel furious about the situation. It means I’m processing and I’m happy with that component! The crappy thing is, when I’m angry, I cry so I’ve had some tears. Grrr.
You know the deal.... as the lbs, I spent so much time in fix it-walk-on-egg shells-mode with ex, , then I had the fear of the future, then the sadness of the marriage breakdown, then the grief over the marital death, then the remorse for things I could have done differently, then the uneasiness, worry, and trepidation over the legal stuff... and finally I’ve landed at anger.
Maybe I am in victim mode, but I hate him for putting me in this position and subsequently keeping me here by lagging and lying on all the paperwork. I despise him for everything he has done to me financially since the marriage began. It really was all a sham. I then get mad at myself for knowing better.... knowing he was capable of this... and still going forward with the marriage.
I’m angry that I did all the effort to make the marriage work and he still left me... he blamed me for being the reason he left, blamed me for all his actions. I know 10000% that blame is misplaced and it’s a form of torturous gaslighting, but I knew what I was getting in to with him. Stupid stupid girl. Even when his own family told me I was a saint for putting up with him..... I’m still the evil one here.
And even with all of that... I’m angry that we didn’t work on the marriage together. I’m angry I didn’t have a partner. Now, don’t get me wrong.... I know we were set up to fail from the get go, but I’d like to pretend that even if it wasn’t a normal marriage, we could have worked on things like a normal couple. But nope, I was robbed of that as well.
I’ve been dealing with this for 4 years. 4 years! I can’t do it anymore. I want to move on, but I’m stuck. I have ptsd, I’m not very trusting. As much as I actually do want a partner and I want to be married.... I don’t. I’m not confident that I’m going to find that partner that will let me know it’s ok to let my guard down.
I’ve been in this hyper vigilance mode for so long, I can’t even remember what it’s like to not be in that state.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not walking around with a chip on my shoulder and I’m not this bitter woman who hates men.. I think I’ve just been burned very badly and I’m lacking significant amounts of trust.
So with that, I have no problem taking control of my future (minus the financial implications), so I’ve been doing my research for my next steps. I’ve mentioned going back to school so I’ve spoken with counselors, had a informal meeting with someone in my industry who has his phd etc. Ive been planning out my next physical pursuits and some classes I want to take (I’ve always wanted to learn to play tennis and play the piano) and get better at Spanish.
I have a plan to keep filling my own bucket, but I recognize there’s a void where an intimate partner should be and I’m not convinced I’m up for that right now.... even though I do want it. It’s a crappy place to be in.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
