I've gotta say thank you so much for the encouragement that everyone has offered. It has given me strength that even at the age of 46 didn't think I'd have to figure it all out. I've never been as secure as I'd like to be. Always depended on my wife to provide that. Tough lesson that manifested itself as control and manipulation.
Last night and this morning were a total contradiction. She was on her phone a ton - kept putting it down opposite side of the bed. Swiped away very quickly when using it around me. She has an iphone so there are ton of conversations done through iMessage that I'll never see on phone records. The number I did see repeatedly was a friend of our daughters. I usually go to bed earlier than her but woke up a few times to see her with a pile of pillows blocking my view of her watching Game of Thrones but also texting (who I don't know). That definitely charges me up and usually affects my mood but I was able to push through.
And then this morning was pretty upbeat. We go the kids ready and I wished her a good day with a big smile without attempting ANY affection. She replied, "No hug?" This unfortunately gives me some hope, confuses me and saddens me.
The GAL thing is hard for me at the moment as I don't want her to get to spend ALL the time with the kids. I know I can go out after the kids are asleep. I should, she does. Out with her girlfriends and young friends (in their early 20s and she is 38).
I am a deeply spiritual man. I want to honor my wife and marriage, repent for my mistakes, but have my self respect. I need more patience. Time I have unless by some miracle she lands a high paying job and wants to leave. Highly unlikely. She still wants her summers at the pool, working part time. I would bet she declines any offers until the Fall (if she gets any).
This process is a beast. I re-read the DB points every day. I go back and re-read the encouragement. I am getting stronger. I plan on being attractive as hell Back at the gym. Keeping my eyes on health.
Hope you all have a great Thursday.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Back at the gym. Keeping my eyes on health. 
