Not Sure Where This Is Going

[Niall11]

How am I doing at DB?

For a while I was reading threads voraciously. The last week or two I haven't had much time to do much more than transfer the "journal" I keep on my phone over here, which has some beneficial mental effect. But I've seen that people often give the advice, "Keep DBing," so I've been reflecting on how I'm doing at the basics...

GAL: C+. For a while it was difficult because we have a D2 and funds have been very tight. With W oblivious and going out a lot, I didn't want to do anything that would cost money and the weather here was dismal.

Now the weather is getting better and the money crunch is not quite so bad, so I feel like I have some more leeway. I have gone on more regular walks/hikes, gone to some interesting forums, spent time with friends, taken D2 to parks, spent a day at the beach, and last night went to a jazz concert with friends. I've tried my hand at painting. There's still a lot more that I can do.

180s: B. W said in the fall I'd been irritable and not doing enough around the house or with D2. I immediately set out to fix those things and generally have been successful. I'm a much more engaged dad, doing my share in the house, and I haven't been sweating the small stuff at all. I guess now I have much bigger stuff to sweat. She thought I talked too much. I don't anymore. She thought I tried to do everything for her and it made her feel like a little kid. I don't try to save her anymore.

W doesn't seem to care at all about my improvements, except that they allow her to go out more, but so be it.

I wasn't happy with my physical condition. I used to be (before W) extremely fit and after a perfect storm of 80-hour work weeks, stress, and injuries I had gotten out of shape. I'm 6'3" and I used to weigh about 195 pounds of lean muscle. I got up to maybe 260 with less muscle. Friends say I don't look obese, just like an offensive lineman or something, but I wasn't happy. Since this started last fall I've lost about 25 pounds (maybe half of what I wanted to lose) and fit into clothes that had been too tight. This has been with some exercise but mostly, I guess, the "divorce diet." So there's more I can do there but it's in the right direction.

The big problem I have had is that (long story) my career has not been where I want it to be. When W and I got together I was at the pinnacle of my profession. I lost a very high-stress, high-pay job in the depths of the recession and have been self-employed, with erratic revenues, ever since. Until very recently we've been getting by OK but it's really not good enough. I've spent a lot of time trying to fix this but it's not been easy and I'm very concerned for the future.

I believe 90% of our issues trace back to this. W grew up pretty poor, and was broke and unemployed when we got together. Lately I've been feeling like she just sees me as a walking ATM and it's not a coincidence that her attitude toward me has changed so dramatically exactly at the moment when, for the first time ever, a financial crunch required her to curb her lifestyle for a couple of months. It's a very complicated subject but, more and more, she feels like I'm letting the family down and I feel like I've been used.

Detachment: D. I'd give it an F but it's been better of late. "Detaching lovingly" in these circumstances is not something I take to naturally at all. I'd like to be connected and affectionate. Barring that, I have a hard time engaging at all or being friendly. We have a neighbor who can stab you in the back at noon then invite you over to organize a community cleanup an hour later. I'm not like that. People who hurt, trash, or disrespect me I'm not particularly interested in making nice with.

I've been really hurt and now angered by W's behavior these past few months, and it still stings. I was happy (not giddy but cautiously happy) when she quickly accepted an invite to go to a concert with our friends. I was saddened (but not as much as before) when she inevitably flaked on that commitment.

Last fall W said that, unlike me, she doesn't remember details well but never forgets how someone made her feel. She meant that, during a couple of our arguments, I'd said things she was having trouble getting past. I believe that she said far worse things to me during the same arguments. I especially believe there's no comparison between a single statement in the heat of an argument and treating your spouse with cold disdain for months and months. So I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure I can ever get past how she's made me feel, with full knowledge she's doing it, and unmoved to change course for eight months straight.

She's been sleeping in the living room for nearly a month and, although I think it's unnecessary and I'm saddened by it, I'm something close to resigned and definitely not asking her to come back to the MBR.

Her antics still get to me, but far less than before. I still wish I could repair our family, but far less than before.

Sandi's Rules: B-.Some I've had no problem with, at least the past 3-4 months. Others I still find difficult.

I have not been pursuing in any way. More like avoiding her altogether and trying to get out. No indication my moving away has made her feel like she's missing out or prompted her to come closer. She seems totally fine with having zero to do with me.

I'm not sure, because of money, etc., that I'm going to be OK. I'm extremely concerned for myself and my future relationship with D2. Very worried and unhappy lately and I'm not good at faking otherwise. I think the vibe I'm giving off is "pensive," not "confident" or "moving on." I have a lot on my mind these days.

I try to be polite and considerate in the little things, but I've not been warm to her lately. Right now I despise the person she's become.

Anyway, super-long but I wanted to get it out there.