I think I'm sad because I do genuinely want to care for him and help him. There's probably all kinds of covert contracts in there and manipulation and needing to be needed and co-dependency. But there's also a man who I love who is in a terrible state. I do want to be a support and comfort to him and I know that because of my own shortcomings I have failed to do that in the past. And right now, no matter how much I'd like to comfort or help him, I don't think I can. He sees everything I do in the worst possible light, he's so critical I doubt there's anything about me he likes or wants right now, when I have tried to comfort or help in practical ways (like cooking him meals for the freezer, getting him stuff from the chemist, etc) he's ended up throwing things back in my face. I think he's probably pretty confused and mixed up and wants comfort, and doesn't understand why he feels critical or scared when I do comforting things - because he can't trust them. I think that's where he is. And I can't help with that. And I'm just sad, because it is a painful place to be for both of us and there's really nothing to do about it right now.
I also know he was drinking a bit last night when I was out. We'd agreed he wouldn't bring whiskey to the house - I asked him once and he has always stuck to it. But he was drinking whiskey last night. I asked him about that and he said he went into the cellar to get something he'd found an old and hidden bottle of whiskey and decided to have some because he was upset about our interaction before I went out. (What had happened was this: he'd been sitting around while I'd made and served tea, cleaned up after tea, supervised the kids doing their chores, etc - and I really wanted him to get up and take charge and collaborate with me rather than acting like a guest. He was exhausted and tired and waiting for me to go so he could step in. I was impatient and he was very defensive.) I didn't know he used to hide drinks - that's quite frightening to me. I asked if he was worried about his own drinking, and he said - -looking at me in quite a hard and blaming way - that he was worried about the triggers that caused it. So if he's blaming his choice to drink whiskey in the house when he's taking care of the kids (after promising not to) on me there's nothing i can do. It's more of the same - me being responsible for his behaviour. And I'm not.
