i've change the title as it Take Control Back sounded a little aggressive
There is something in the air. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. A change in temperature maybe. We had started to open up a little, but it seems we are both on guard again.
I've been doing yoga at home each day as have had the kids non-stop for the last five days. I've found some amazing tutorials on YouTube and am considering giving up my gym membership. It's a �120 per month so it would be decent saving.
Yesterday was the first day in ages without the kids so I met up with some friends for a beer after work. There are a lot of nice out door bar areas around work so we thought we'd take advantage. Well, the weather has turned cold again (darn that English weather) so only had two and then headed home. Beers, pleasant conversation and then home.
On the train back I got a text from D9 asking if I was on my way back yet. Turns out H decided to take them back to mine after football training to change and have dinner. I could tell in our text exchange that she was disappointed I wasn't home and I felt guilty the whole way back.
I got sent the childcare schedule for May yesterday (after chasing him twice). His work schedule changes from one month to the next.
** side note: He bids for days to work, a computer applies various algorithms (length of employment, hours worked so far, permitted hours flying, rest days etc) and out comes a 'tentative' roster. The pilots then 'swap' shifts (subject to a bunch of regulations) and by around the 15th of the month prior, the roster for the next month is firmed up. Once he has the schedule, then he dicks around with it some to work out what days he wants the kids and finally, a firmed up childcare schedule is sent to me. I then give our nanny her shifts. I also have to fit GAL around this.
I consistently get the schedule between 23 and 25th of the month leaving my a week to sort out childcare and confirm (or decline) my own plans. On the the days he doesn't have the kids he puts "Away" on the schedule. This really winds me up - as "Away" is his way of saying "working" when he really means "working or out". I don't mind that he has a life outside 'the family' but I find it insulting that he puts a schedule together that says he is working when sometimes he is ta the football, or going out with mates, or seeing other women.
I have not said anything before because I always questioned how doing so "would bring me closer to my goal". But yesterday, I put caveat on that goal - I want to R, but not on the basis that I am being taken advantage of. The continued delay is disrespectful and the lying is insulting. So yesterday I told him I wanted the schedule by the 20th of each month (5 days is enough for him to [censored] sort out his social life) and to just put down the days he is having the children. I don't need to know when he is "away".
He didn't respond. Later when we exchanged texts about D9 his responses were short. I popped around to his flat this morning (I asked first) and when I enquired about his dad, his response was "no change" (i.e. dismissive).
** side note 2: I normally avoid going to his flat because it feels like an intrusion. A separate life devoid of me. But I felt guilty about not being home last night and wanted to see D9. When I got there he told me to help myself to a drink and I opened one of the the cupboard. It was full of spices and proper cooking stuff. In the 15-16 years we lived together he never once cooked dinner. Now, he has recipe books and cooks with spices. It is weird the power a little thing like spices has to still cut me up.
