A Real Mess

[LB55]

In my mind you have a few choices. You can file for divorce. You can not file for divorce. Either way you can continue to DB.

You can’t control her choices. If she wants to get divorced, she will file. Let her do the work.

Giving her a deadline to file for divorce will not likely work out well. It will just be viewed as more controlling behavior, and rightfully so.

You can set a deadline for yourself if you want, a time in which you are going to move forward by filing for divorce, but not a deadline for her to make a choice or take action.

Control what you can control brother. You, your actions, your thoughts, your emotions, those are things you can control.

[SteveLW]

si, patience. General guidance is to give it at least a year. After a year it would be difficult for anyone to accuse you of pulling the trigger too fast. Here's the deal though, the deadline is for you, not her.

Limbo is the gift of time. LBSs that get blindsided with BD and then the WAS leaves right away would kill to have some limbo time. If you are having patience issues likely you aren't doing enough GAL. Those that struggle the most do the worst job at GAL.

[Yail]

I know what you mean about not knowing how to move forward emotionally. One thing that worked for me is to set a timeline for myself. Until that date, I would make zero decisions, and just keep on with my life.

I chose a 3 month mark and then a 6 month mark. At each of those points I reassessed my own feelings, how things had (or hadn't) changed in my sitch, and what I was feeling I wanted out of life.

To be honest, not a ton has changed in the 6 months. But what this did for me was it gave me permission to not think about it. I just let time happen while I was busy doing other things. Not obsessing over "will I be D? Will we somehow be together?" was very helpful.

[si13]

I've gotta say thank you so much for the encouragement that everyone has offered. It has given me strength that even at the age of 46 didn't think I'd have to figure it all out. I've never been as secure as I'd like to be. Always depended on my wife to provide that. Tough lesson that manifested itself as control and manipulation.

Last night and this morning were a total contradiction. She was on her phone a ton - kept putting it down opposite side of the bed. Swiped away very quickly when using it around me. She has an iphone so there are ton of conversations done through iMessage that I'll never see on phone records. The number I did see repeatedly was a friend of our daughters. I usually go to bed earlier than her but woke up a few times to see her with a pile of pillows blocking my view of her watching Game of Thrones but also texting (who I don't know). That definitely charges me up and usually affects my mood but I was able to push through.

And then this morning was pretty upbeat. We go the kids ready and I wished her a good day with a big smile without attempting ANY affection. She replied, "No hug?" This unfortunately gives me some hope, confuses me and saddens me.

The GAL thing is hard for me at the moment as I don't want her to get to spend ALL the time with the kids. I know I can go out after the kids are asleep. I should, she does. Out with her girlfriends and young friends (in their early 20s and she is 38).

I am a deeply spiritual man. I want to honor my wife and marriage, repent for my mistakes, but have my self respect. I need more patience. Time I have unless by some miracle she lands a high paying job and wants to leave. Highly unlikely. She still wants her summers at the pool, working part time. I would bet she declines any offers until the Fall (if she gets any).

This process is a beast. I re-read the DB points every day. I go back and re-read the encouragement. I am getting stronger. I plan on being attractive as hell Back at the gym. Keeping my eyes on health.

Hope you all have a great Thursday.

[AnotherStander]

I did look at her call log after our meeting. She talked with her younger sister for a long time but NEVER calls her parents or just her mom. That to me is strange.

That's actually pretty normal. WAS's look for enablers- people who will encourage them to leave the M and engage in affairs. IE- "tell them what they want to hear". As you can imagine most parents don't do that, they typically discourage that type of behavior. So it's very typical for WAS's to distance from their parents after BD.

How much does anyone recommend me leveraging a deadline for my wife to file?

If you mean leverage it to "wake your wife up" or "snap her out of it", etc., then you have no leverage. There's no quick fix here. You only have one path to a possible reconciliation and it's not an easy one. You give her time and space and spend months or maybe even years working on yourself and making yourself "the spouse only a fool would leave".

Not sure how long I could do this, I certainly could with my kids in mind, but if you don't want me then let's move forward

.

Remember why you said you were here to begin with? Because you controlled and manipulated your W for years, and subjected her to emotional abuse? How is ^^^that^^^ any different? It's not, that is STILL you trying to control and manipulate. How about giving her some time and space instead and WORK ON YOU.

[Ready2Change]

How are you more attractive today than yesterday?

How will you be more attractive tomorrow than today?

What steps are you taking to be an alpha male?

[Ready2Change]

The GAL thing is hard for me at the moment as I don't want her to get to spend ALL the time with the kids. I know I can go out after the kids are asleep. I should,

Be Dad first, GAL 2nd.

I remember sitting with the kids thinking "Enjoy this now, it will be changing soon". That was 10 years ago.

[si13]

Is anyone here DB'ing while still sleeping in the same bed? Separated in every way except separate?

Do you think I should follow up with an attorney? Look at some apartments? I'm gutted that we are both gonna be broke and separate.

I'm with the kids tonight. Trying to enjoy my time with them. Having to hide while crying so they don't ask why. If they do I tell them it's because I love them.

My wife emotionally separated from me 18 months ago. To keep going just feels like it's gonna be so dang hard.

[Yail]

Si13,

You should stay "in the know" about your legal rights/options as well as potential apartments. But not necessarily pursue these in an effort to make the first move. But knowledge will only help you.

Consult a lawyer to be informed, but until things change (by your decision or your W's) no need to take action.

Keep an eye out on apartments (what they cost, what is available in your area, how often is turnover, are they safe (for kids to be there) etc.) but don't sign anything until things change. Keep your browser history clear for your research. You're not trying to start anything - but you should be aware of all your options.

That would be my recommendation.

[Twofeet]

I packed up all my XW things in a box and put it on the kitchen counter. I told her I refuse to share my W with another man. She said her EA was just a friend. I told her I don't believe it and said find somewhere else to sleep end of discussion. Call it respect, fear, whatever, she could see how serious I was and didn't push it. She slept on the couch or our S bed until she moved out. At one point my father had to talk me down from physically throwing her out. Glad I didn't, a confrontation like that might have prevented me from getting 50/50 custody.

Just remember she dumped you like a piece of trash.... don't be a piece of trash. Show yourself you are much better than that.