For me the silence was the worst. When W would take off overnight to school in another town (and to meet her EA), I would put the kids to bed and then had the rest of the evening to myself. The quiet of a still house was the worst. I couldn't think about anything else but where things had gone wrong. I blamed mostly myself back then. I ground myself down mercilessly first for causing this then for not taking a stance years ago when I realized she was checked out. Then again what can you do, really? Until you go through this you don't have any experience or the tools to go through this. Things are different now.
IHCLACS, I don't think you should, though you will, worry about this process. It's a process. You have experienced a severe trauma not unlike a death of someone very close to you, except the thing that died was your relationship. To not experience what you're experiencing now would mean that you don't have a functioning emotional system. So that's something. Anyhow, the thing you're experience is a part of the process, just the same as the terror of a quiet house was for me. Things will get better. They did for me. They won't be ideal, and my relationship is probably gone, but I'm recognizing that it wasn't all my fault... or fault at all. This is what I was saying earlier about blame. That's why blame leads us so astray.
In my case I didn't know she had ADHD. Not until my son was diagnosed. Over time, as I researched the psychology of human relationships, the disorder, and the general chaos of the human condition it made it easier for me to understand. To forgive. From then the self-loathing, rage, the terror of loneliness and self pity began to abate. It turned into something else. At some point she came back and said she wants work on the marriage, but something in me changed. It's as if the tether that kept me chained to her was dissolved so when she withdrew again and asked to separate I agreed without hesitation. I think I was done.
Point is, that what's happening to you right now is a tragedy, but a tragedy that will pass. What you're describing is normal. Better than normal. I see progress. If you honestly do the work, focus on being a better you, dump the anger and blame it will leave you a better person. The process is hell, and it takes a very long time. I'm not going to kid you. My sich has been going on for years and is by no means over. My angry wolf is constantly jerking his chain. He's hungry. He wants my anger. He wants me to focus on what I'm losing. He has many tricks to get it, and sometimes in my weaker moments he succeeds. However, my mind is firmly set on the good wolf. The one that's compassionate, grateful, curious, a kind parent. I feed that one more than I do the other and I do see a difference. From then to now. Not just in how I relate to my immediate family, but in how easily I form connections even with strangers. It feels good. Really, really good. I really wish the same for you and everybody else here, but I think you'll be ok. There will be dark times and pain, but remember that the process you're dealing with right now is forging tools that will allow you to get through it ok. You just have to really want it good things... and feed the right wolf.
