Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[Rita]

Hello, Everyone -- I had a very intense Lent, and the intensity continues. I am deep on my path looking for God and asking Him to find me. I lurked once in a while and it was like looking through a tunnel back at a past self, it was strange, but I guess it is a detachment from the boards. DnJ, I saw your threads and you probably know what my reaction to that was so I won't say here but I am thinking of you and praying for you. Andrew, you wrote something to DnJ that was amazing, it was one time I felt like we had a similar outlook and your words helped me in my own journey. Roist, SBJ, Sjohn and Grace -- Love to you all. And Job, my DB mom, I think of you often and often repeated your words to myself these last 46 days. You are still a light to me.

Gordie, I think of you so much. I am praying for you and hope that you are staying away for the best of reasons.

I have a new lawyer, had to fire my other one and battle her until she gave most of my retainer back. She tried to keep most of it. I dug my teeth in and wouldn't let go and she got scared and gave it back, I hired a lawyer I liked from my other court case, but I was scared of him before because he didn't understand that I was standing for my marriage. Now things have gotten so awful that I realized I need someone a bit more cutthroat -- and a man to fight those vicious men -- so I think it will be better and maybe even get settled one of these days. Things with my H have reached a fever pitch of horrible, he NEVER leaves the house anymore, is always on that couch reading, spending time with D in this very cloying way, and sent my S the most disturbing text ever (including the line, "I am utterly in love with you") I had no temptation to post during Lent except once -- the morning of my last court date, when my H just hung out at home all day, right to the last minute when we both had to leave for court. I mostly don't speak to him but sometimes I am kind, esp in front of my D, as they have been getting very close, at least in the weird way you can get close to a crazy person. He is clearly deeply confused. Does not want to leave clearly but always says he does, often it is clear that he has been crying and sometimes speaks to me as if he wants to hang out a little, but whenever I have opened the door even a crack, he monsters, viciously, horribly, tries to break me. Sometimes succeeds. But I am so close to God now, it is always clear to me that I have to go to Him, there is no other way to heal the wound. H says he won't leave until he gets all of his money. But my new lawyer assures me that he has to leave, and soon, and will file a motion if he can't negotiate a first payout to get him to go. My goal is to get him out, and then buy as much time as I can to negotiate the actual division of assets. I have gotten my confidence back, and I am trying to make various wheels and deals to be able to keep my business and cut all financial ties to H.

I spend a lot of time on my knees in church and pray a lot to Saint Rita --the prayer I use starts, "I have recourse to you since I am engulfed by a trial." I always start to cry when I say those words, but in a good way, like crying on her shoulder. I don't know what will happen but I will say I feel a lot closer to God, have cut out a lot of distractions, have gotten really into music again and even work on my writing sometime even though I work so much I truly don't have time. My son has totally regressed into the way he was last year, so that is my worst cross, but I am trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I don't know what will happen to me if my H sees this D to its end. But I think that nothing has changed for me. I see that God is with me in this furnace, and he invites me not to change my stand. And He knows of my temptations and that I am relying on Him to forgive me when I need it, and to remove things from my life that He does not want.

I want my H out and I want him to go far far away. But I don't see myself dating or ending my stand. I still consider any of those temptations as adulterous and they are to me a dark side of myself that I would not bring into my kids' lives. I am not judging anyone here, please do not flame! I am just explaining what I have learned during this intense time I have been spending with God. I realize who I am, the ugliness and the good, and I am just showing myself to God as myself, even the parts I am ashamed of.

Sending love to all. I will try to stay away from the boards, I need to rely on God only, but I think of you all and pray for you and I will keep checking on you.