Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[sandi2]

Continued from my previous post...................

I understand that the birthday party probably didn't NEED to be at my house with her, but it was already set up previously we both agreed (I liked it for the kids, not her). My extended family is not in the area hers is, so my family birthday would have just been ME.

I know this has to be very difficult with your family members living long distance. My suggestion about birthday celebrations is to change how you view it. In other words, don't call it a "family birthday party". Instead, have a birthday with his friends, or go to a special place and plan great fun with the two of you. I have experienced loss in my life, and whenever you lose someone close to you.....you have to plan how to celebrate without them. The first year is hard, I won't lie to you. Finding new ways of celebrating does help, I think.

I did not want it to further deteriorate our relationship as it relates to the kids. That text (which was horrible) was going to cause this entire sitch to go in a bad direction as it relates to the kids and how/when we are together with them. It felt necessary to correct that.

I think I understand what you mean. Here's the thing, you are at her mercy with this mindset. Trying to be "together" with the kids when you are separated is not doing them a favor, IMHO. It only gets their hopes up that mom & dad are getting back together. Every time they see that mom & dad aren't getting back together, it causes fresh pain. So, why do that to your kids? She wanted to separate, so stop trying to feed a relationship you don't have. Next holiday or event, you need to have plans to celebrate without her. It doesn't prevent her from doing something with the kids on her time with them. She has to see the reality of living separately from her H. I don't mean that in a punitive way. I'm just saying that a WW has to see the result of her wayward decisions.

I just spent 3hrs with her today at the hospital going over the MRI results for S5 (tumor is back) - but it is benign and they do not want to do another surgery yet.

My heart goes out to all of you. It's never easy when you have a sick child. As for things not being black or white, let me try to help you clear up any confusion about this part. When it comes to your child health, both of you need to be united. But you have to keep your wits about it and not see it as meaning you've untied the MR. Also, understand that this three hour period was not a celebration. I'm sure she was glad you were there with her. Not every WW would feel the same, but in this case, I think your W was probably glad. When it comes to serious illnesses, tragedies, hospital emergencies, etc., I believe personal feelings and the sitch has to come in second place. In some WW situations, the H can't give an inch, but as long as both parents can act civilized. Every situation is a little different. There was actually a case where I did not give the same advice. The WW had left the H for another man. They had no children and she manipulated and played him like you couldn't believe. She would temp check, he'd fall for it, and then she would hurt him all over again. When one of his parents died, she tried to take full advantage of that situation, and I advised him not to invite her to be with his family. So, if I sound as if I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth.....I'm really addressing the individual case.

In today's interactions I was able to be 'happy', without pursuing. I was not distant either. I left there with more anxiety than I have had in 2-3 weeks, because it was so hard. It's difficult to explain how Love, Anger, disappointment, disrespect can all be so overwhelming at the same time. I also wanted to grab and hug her based on the news about S5 <-- I MISS THAT! And, I hate how I'm being rejected for such a low, selfish, irresponsible way of life. I felt toooo much empathy and felt the need to 'talk' - I DIDN'T but this is what happens when I'm not 'distant' when she is around. but I am working on it and I will get better!

I get it. I am a talker, too. When I was younger, I wanted to talk about every thing to my H, but it wasn't received by him, b/c he was not wired the same way. I would get my feelings hurt b/c he would not validate or even act as if he was listening. So, I learned to curtail a lot of my talks. Is it hard? Yes! But I adjusted. I still have my moments (lol). I'm just trying to tell you that a lot of your trouble right now is that you are missing the relationship you had, and wanted/needed. Trying to cling to that won't be effective in having a future MR with her. The couples I've seen reconcile after a separation, had a period where they detached as a couple (which means to live separated) and take that time and space from each other. Then later they could heal and work through their issues. I really believe you have to back away from the WW and stop trying to keep some relationship that she's torn asunder.

I have a hard time believing that she ONLY wants me as plan b - because she doesn't really have a plan A.

Listen, whenever a woman leaves her H b/c she doesn't have the same feelings any longer, he automatically becomes plan B. Whenever she chooses another lifestyle over being his wife........he automatically becomes plan B. How much plainer does she have to paint the picture to show you are not plan A? I'm sorry if my words are harsh, but you need to wake up and accept the fact you are nowhere close to priority in her heart or her life. That means you aren't her plan A. You've got to let go. The first step in getting her back is to let her go and stop making her your plan A.

I 100% get that I can't talk my way back into this relationship - but I also believe that there are ways to rebuild attraction other than JUST dropping the rope <-- although I do understand how important this piece is.

And yet......you continue to try to have R talks. This is not how you attract a WW! How do you see re-bu;ding attraction with a wayward wife? I don't know what other books you are reading or where you are getting this idea, but I am willing to bet it is not from someone who understands how a wayward operates. I have a library full of those type of books, and they are okay except in cases where the W left b/c of waywardness. I'm concerned that you are the one in fantasy land. Truth is, you still want to pursue her. You've done that since day one. Just b/c that's the way you feel.......doesn't mean that's the way it works.

One more thing and I'll stop. I suggest you post more on a regular basis for a while. There comes a point that most people back off, but I don't think the time has arrived for you just yet. It's just my two cents.