New to this - need to talk

[job]

Please stop asking her about whether or not the affair is over or if they have been in contact. Please stop confronting the guy as well. The more you do this, the more you will drive the wedge between the two of you. The more you question them, the more that they will protect each other and yes, become more secretive. If it were not him that was involved w/her at that time, it would have been someone else. He is nothing special except that he may have listened to her tales of woe and provided the support and comfort that she craved. She may have been too afraid to discuss her feelings w/you at that time.

Paranoia is common during the crisis. What I am getting from your postings is that your wife is in replay and depression. She hasn't hit the deep, dark depression yet and if she goes into withdrawal, she will withdraw from all that she was interested in previously which includes you, the family, fun times, etc.

I agree w/kml, check the phone records and do not go into her phone again. You are not her father and you don't want her to look at you as one. You want to come across as a friend, someone who will listen and not judge her right now. I know you want to save your marriage and you love your wife, but you are pushing her away very quickly w/the way you are handling things. Step back, give her the space and time to work through her issues. You cannot fix her or make her see reason. You can't rationalize w/someone who is irrational right now. The crisis is an emotional time for these people and they will not think rationally when they are hurting within so badly.

Please, please stop questioning her about the affair. Do not give her any excuse to run back to the guy or some other guy. Make your home a safe place for her to land and want to be there at this time. No more relationship talks, listen to her, validate her feelings and when she does something right, compliment her on it.

Read the homework, read what others post on the forums and definitely read up on depression. Depression is the main ingredient of MLC. You did not break her, therefore, you can't fix her. She has to do that herself. One more thing, do not push her to go to therapy. She will go a couple of times and that will be it. She's not ready to face those demons within just yet. It will take lots of time, patience and more patience to get through this.