Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[SteveLW]

P_Jam, at least you acknowledge all of this. That is huge. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. So while I am still not sure you are saying you want to change some of this, or any of it, you at least acknowledge where you have shortcomings and struggles.

In hindsight its very possible that she went this route (not only because of the text) but because I had been doing a decent job of DB'ing the last . Obviously the pictures affected her, same with the door closed (she's wondering). She may or may not have said anything if didn't send that horrible text. She did not lead on that ANY of this bothered her (or was even noticed) when we were spending time together that day. She just really hit me where it hurts... with having the kids in the middle. And I gave her that power by sending the text.

This reminded me of the exchange my WW and I had early in our sitch. She had this grand plan a foundation on her getting a job, getting an apartment, and us getting D'd. But on top of that she built a fantasy of me keeping the house. She wanted none of my money or support. My D would be living at the house with me primarily. With our D spending the night at her place sometimes on the weekend. My WW would still have a key to come take care of the dogs and making dinner a few nights a week at the house for us as a family.

At one point I took her pictures down and closed the MBR door (not literally, but figuratively based on what you did). I did this by telling her that A) we would be selling the house and splitting the equity down the middle. B) I would be moving in with a friend of mine. C) All of our assets including retirement accounts, money in the back, etc would be split down the middle. We would have 50/50 custody. I would pay child support based on income disparity. She balked at all of this.

I looked her right in the eye and said "This is fair. We've been married for almost 19 years, you are entitled to half of everything." She said: "But I don't want you to sell the house." I responded that it wasn't fair for her to go off and start a new life and that I was expected not to do the same.

It was long after that that she returned to the MR and we moved into piecing. Did that play a part in her decision? I think it did. I think the fact that life would change dramatically for all three of us was a dose of reality. That I was talking about moving on with my life post D and starting over was a dose of reality (IE no cake eating for her). That she would still be a mother 50% of the time and couldn't pick and choose when she wanted to play W and mother was a dose of reality. That she would get half of all our assets (we are very blessed) was something she felt she didn't deserve because she was "destroying lives" (her words, not mine).

So the fact that you removed the pictures and started closing the door is fine. Just try to be better are responding to her about those decisions: "Its not fair for you to go off and start a new life and expect me not to do the same." Say it straight-faced, with no emotion. Simply matter of fact.