Andrew How come both women are not divorced? I am really curious why that would be a path they would follow. It makes total sense for you to have a conversation with them if a recon is on the cards. Why would you waste time with someone who is ambivalent. It wouldn't be worth it.
kml There is definitely that dynamic that you've described in some open relationships. But I am also seeing examples where couples are able to execute that type of arrangement - it doesn't mean that it's easy or without pitfalls, but monogamy isn't any insurance against divorce or breakups either. I have no idea whether this kinda arrangement would work for me, but I am definitely interested in exploring what this would look like. I have no desire to get remarried either.
Juju Our ex's actions definitely deserve questioning. We spend so much time as LBS's blaming ourselves entirely that it takes time to remember that our ex's were party to the deterioration of the marriage as well. I am also definitely curious about the guy who is dating my exW. What was his process of vetting her as a potential partner? What is he looking for? I would definitely have those questions and many more on my mind if I was in his position. Also, I have to remind myself that he got a version of the story from her, and not me. My exW told me that she was unhappy throughout our entire marriage and so much revisionist history - I do clearly remember many many good years together. You would think that meeting me would give him some red flags about exW or even at least question the stories he's been told. His background is interesting and so I am not sure if he's looking to find someone to fill a void. I don't know if both of them are looking to fill that void and if they're desperate. Lots of questions to which I have no answers but I am not going to spend time trying to dissect their R and how they're doing things. I just know that I would've been way more curious and taken things much slower.
I can tell that exW hasn't done the emotional work that she needs to do. From her bf's past marriage, he definitely has a need to do the same. I have no idea if he's done that. But, if he's okay being with exW with her baggage, I get a sense that he hasn't done the internal work himself. It's just not good to see two people who have unaddressed emotional baggage get together. That $hit will catch up to them no doubt and the breakup will be spectacular and painful.
You can't paper over the past with something new and shiny. The shine will come off in a year or two and then what? Well, that's for them to figure out. I can only move forward with me and what works for me.
