Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[sandi2]

She has only been out for 2 weeks. So i know there is a lot of time - but where is the balance between DB and IC suggestions, as well as re-establishing attraction?

Some of us have tried to answer that question, but you don't want to listen.......or you want to do it your way. I think you don't have a clue as to how to attract her. You see it as pursuing, and that is far from attracting. You need to be a man who is not focused on a woman behaving like GGW and who is window shopping for men. You shouldn't be having text conversations with her, except child related issues. You shouldn't share family events/holidays. You are separated, so live as separated. You are still trying to talk her back into the relationship.

What is not "balanced" is when she came to your house and you went to the bedroom and closed the door. It could appear as if you are hiding out, and that is not what a man does in his own house. If living under the same roof and separated, then that might be seen differently, but when you are physically separated and she drops by the house, don't run to another room and close the door. You don't have to entertain her, but neither should you go to another room and close the door. Yes, LBH's seem to have a hard time balancing. Can't you just focus on not pursuing? Can't you be polite when she comes to your house, as if she was just someone in the neighborhood that dropped by? Can you not be emotionally detached without being rude? Do you know how that picture looks? If not, then think of her as if she was an elderly lady who came by the house. How would you treat her?

IC says that I need to be careful as coming off to WW as if I'm "completely done". He's concerned that she will take this as more of the same (since BD issue is = neglect) and provide her more reason to just move on. Also how can you rebuild attraction if always distant.

She did not separate to work on the MR. You cannot "rebuild" attraction while she continues to disrespect you. This is what you don't seem to get in your head. A wife will not feel sexual attraction/desire for a H she disrespects. That's how she was designed. So, you can knock yourself out trying to chase after her to make her see what a catch you are, but as long as she doesn't respect you as a man, she's not going to have loving feelings for you. That is the nature in this WW dynamic and the only way to change is to follow the advice we given you since day one.

WW has always been friendly through the entire process face to face, with kids and $ settlement, as well as parenting plan. Still a lying cheater behind my back, but she has not portrayed a lot of the rude/mean characteristics of many other WW ive read about. <-- I know some will say this doesn't matter. But for me it's 'concerning' because I either let her have a little 'cake' or I come off as the rude/mean one.

Not sure what she or you consider rude/mean, but you don't have to show that side. Even if you need to decline or refuse something she wants, you can do it in a polite manner. Maybe you just need to get your focus off cake for a while, if it's causing you to act weird.

At this point I"m feeling like I've clearly done something wrong.................................

So I explain that the pictures were necessary as I could not keep looking at her face (they were triggers for me). I explained that I replaced every picture I could to make sure the kids did not notice any holes (which they didn't). I explained that I'm not trying to manipulate just do what is best for me.

Talk, talk, talk, talk. Explain, explain, explain. She fired you as her H, so why are you still playing the role? I'll bet that's what you did throughout the M. Instead of asking you, she would get upset, try to punish you until you decided you must have done something wrong, Then, you would explain your actions, so she wouldn't be upset. But things are different now. She isn't living as your W, and has broken up the home. She moved out of the house and you have a right to do whatever you want inside your house. You are so scared she will think you are moving on, that you've got to explain every little thing you do. As a WW, she actually needs to be concerned that you are moving on without her. If she feels she is truly losing you in her life, it has a way of distracting her from her initial purpose of wanting out of the M. In other words, it has a way of making her reconsider. If he plays his cards right, it can lead to her having some respect for him. Why? B/c nobody knows better than a WW that a man should not tolerate her sh't. So, when he stops the chase and moves on.......it sparks a little respect.

In my explanation of pictures and Bingo night I explain to her how she has hurt me deeply and even though I do like to see her and have her around form SOME events, it is still very difficult as I know you are sleeping with other people! I explain that it's too early for me to act 'normal' around her.

What part of no relationship talk do you not understand? You are shooting yourself in the foot every time you do this. When you are together, and the W is not wayward, then you can explain things, if needed. But you are not together now. She is wayward, and we've tried to tell you how you can't handle the sitch as if she was a "normal"
loving wife. As a wayward, she will try to manipulate and punish you, etc. Maybe she did that when she lived with you, but it's time to cut those puppet strings (whether she tried to control, or you did). You say she's not as bad as some other WW's, but maybe that's b/c she has mostly gotten what she wants. As long as a WW gets what she wants, she will be "friendly". If you don't play along by her rules......... just sit back and watch her in action.

I also felt like we had a decent talk as I was able to remind her that I'm hurt, ok but still hurt. Re-establish my boundaries that I would like to 'work' on this but not while OP are still around.

Did she smack her forehead and say, "Oh my gosh, I forgot! Thank you for reminding me".

She has only been out for 2 weeks. So i know there is a lot of time - but where is the balance between DB and IC suggestions, as well as re-establishing attraction?

IDK what all your IC is saying, but if you have to ask how to balance what the IC is saying and what DB says, then maybe you need to decide to let one of them go. What I mean is that if it's causing more confusion than it's helping, let something go. I hope you won't let DB go, but that's your choice. We can try to help you, but at the end of the day it boils down to when you get fed up and have had enough of her waywardness and moving on with your life.