180 Counterproductive?

[SteveLW]

I am in the situation of having received the ILYBNILWY in January after noticing distance and asking. I took notice of the list of deficiencies in my behavior (blame shifting?) and turned on my heel and have made changes. She recognizes this and says she "cant give me reassurances" and that she is "suffocating and needs space". I was mostly keeping it cool for a couple of months, but in March I had a bad few days, fell apart with anxiety and insecurity, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms for a couple of weeks after she demanded space. Following this, we had a false start at MC when the counselor gave up in the second week. We had enrolled in individual counseling at the same time. I tried to find a new MC but it was met with resistance because she wanted to continue individual sessions for a while first.

It seemed that while things were unraveling things were also normal. She said she wanted to work on it and was still kind of tender at times but distant at times too. Sex is banned and I'm back in the bedroom "with that boundary". It seems her individual counselor is digging up new resentments and things just seem worse. I've been detaching but I think it might be backfiring.

In the background, I'm 95% sure there is an EA with a coworker that probably got hot in December. When asked, this was denied and blame shifting seems to occur. I don't want to snoop and be consumed with it, but any space I create, he is just going to fill.

How do I balance "I want to work on it" and some affection and normalcy before I started to withdraw myself with the now very cold feeling now that I'm withdrawing? Is 180 overkill right now if at least on the surface she seems to want to fix things? When last asked if she's ready to just end it, she said "no we are not ending anything" but she feels checked out since I started 180.

Also, I have not yet read DR, since we share a bank account I need to find a way to get my hands on it. The list was recommended to me by a therapist.

So oops, right off the bat I feel that you are confused about a few concepts. Please read all of cadet's links, because it helps clarify. But based on your initial post here are some things that might help:

180s are about YOU improving and growing. You "180" on bad behaviors that contributed to your current situation. None of us are perfect. Heck, read my threads and you'll see I was a complete jerk for many years leading up to my W's EA and wanting a D. So 180s are FOR YOU. If she sees and likes the changes, great. But you need to become a better person for you and your future new relationship (because your old one is dead), whether that is with her or someone else.

Loving detachment is not cold. If you are being cold and withdrawn then you are doing it wrong. Detachment is being present, pleased, upbeat. You are confident and secure in YOURSELF, regardless of your sitch. But most of all, you no longer REACT emotionally to her words and actions. (This is where validation comes in, please read the validation thread.) You listen, and validate. You do not react. You do not get upset. You do get sad. She could tell you she had a gangbang with 100 men, and it would roll off your back like water off a duck. Detachment is hard. Work at it, but don't expect perfection out of the gate. Those that do detachment well are always amazed at the results.

I see nothing about GAL. You seem to be sitting home hanging on her every word and action. STOP IT. Get out and Get A Life. Be as busy as you can be. If you have kids, every minute you are not with them you are busy. Learn new things. Renew old (same sex!) friendships. Pick up forgotten and abandoned hobbies. Stay active. Work out. But do not sit and stew. And certainly stop following her around like a puppy dog.

Your #1 goal right now is to remove ALL pressure and pursuit. She has asked for space, give it to her. That doesn't mean leaving the house or the MBR. Certainly she is welcome to if she wants to, you couldn't stop her if you wanted to. But in absence of physical space (though if you GAL that will happen naturally), give her emotional and mental space. DO NOT INITIATE R TALKS!! If she does, listen and validate. Before you do anything ask yourself if that actions will apply pressure or seem like pursuit to her. If yes, then don't do it.

Above all, there is no magic bullet. You are not going to fix this with one statement verbally, or with one action. You need to detach, GAL and 180 (please please read DR!), and give it TIME! And when we say time we do not mean hours...days....weeks....months. There is no deadline on this. Just keep DBing, and giving her space and let time hopefully bring her to her senses.

Also, remember, you are going to be okay. No matter what happens. Once you realize that there is life after no matter what happens between the two of you, you will be in a much better and happier and healthier place. No one should ever depend on another person for their happiness. Even your spouse.

Hang in there. You will survive.