Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[LH19]

PJ,

First off I am really sorry to hear about your son and I know this is a really difficult time for you.

This sh*t is NOT EASY!

That is the under statement of the year my friend lol!

I understand that the birthday party probably didn't NEED to be at my house with her, but it was already set up previously we both agreed (I liked it for the kids, not her).

I think it is good to do birthday parties for the kids together. It shows the kids that you can still be together in the same room and no be uncomfortable. That will make them more comfortable with the arrangement.

In today's interactions I was able to be 'happy', without pursuing. I was not distant either.

Perfect! Keep it up!

I felt toooo much empathy and felt the need to 'talk' - I DIDN'T but this is what happens when I'm not 'distant' when she is around.

You need to definitely fight that need to talk. If she wants to talk you will know.

I have a hard time believing that she ONLY wants me as plan b - because she doesn't really have a plan A.

Make no mistake about it, you are plan B right now. Just because she doesn't have a solid plan A right now doesn't matter. In fact it is worse. The fantasy of finding the perfect prince that is going to wash all her problems and unhappiness away is actually worse. Real men have flaws, fantasy men do not.

Now, I'm going to take your advice and I'm going walk this tight rope between no pursuing and possibly initiating a conversation in 2-3 months.

If you initiate a conversation in 2-3 months I can pretty much guarantee you will not like how it goes and you will reset your clock back to zero.

The good news for all of you... I have 2-3 months to change my mind. So I will still be looking for a lot of support here on this board. I'm not bucking your feedback and I mean no disrespect - but some of us may just have to be 'us' in some ways.

PJ, if I took offense to people on here not following my advice I would have quit giving it years ago lol.

I've learned to trust my gut a lot, and although you all have taught me that my gut is not right all the time during this situation - I'm not convinced its ALWAYS wrong either.

Everything about this is counter-intuitive that is why the advice is always opposite of what your gut tells you.

I 100% get that I can't talk my way back into this relationship - but I also believe that there are ways to rebuild attraction other than JUST dropping the rope <-- although I do understand how important this piece is.

There are ways to build attraction. Be friendly, always look your best around her, be funny. be confident, look her in the eye when speaking to her, validate her feelings. But be scarce. Scarcity creates value. Where I think you are wrong is there is a difference between attraction and connection. You can be attractive to her but you can't reconnect with her while she is sleeping with other men. If your therapist tells you you can, then it is time to find a new therapist.

With what my WW has just done to me and our R - I do have to question what my real motives are for wanting her back right now. Is it because I just don't want to lose her? Or is it because I'm scared? Or is it because I REALLY WANT HER?? I DON'T KNOW RIGHT NOW!!

Its probably a combination of all of these things. Objection breeds obsession and as humans we want what we can't have. Sounds like you spent a lot of time avoiding her out playing golf. There must have been a reason why? Of course you are scared. I am sure thoughts of Can I handle the kids alone? Can I handle the house alone? Will I find someone better then my ex? These are a normal feelings.

We will help you through this and we expect mistakes. Just try to minimize them as much as possible.