Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[SteveLW]

P_Jam, yes every sitch has it's own idiosyncrasies. Yes there is no one size fits all solution to every sitch. I agree with that. However, what I am trying to get you to see is that your previous post had way too much reaction and way too much impulse for the overall good of your sitch, and for you. Everything from the text, to the panic of saving the party, to the asking the woman for her phone number. Those are red flags that you may need to really step back and ask yourself honestly "am I in control of myself, or am I flitting around with every breath of the breeze?"

P_Jam, I get it. I was where you were. I was looking at everything from cheating myself to make her know how it feels, to turning the blame around on her for things, to withholding money and support, to kicking her out on her butt, to.....you get the point. I was willing to do what EVER work. No matter what it was.

But then I found this place, and people like sandi, AS, and LH all were huge helps to talk me down from ledges. My only advice for the go forward is to please come here before you "react". Try to live by the motto "I am going to give a thought out response, not react". Kind of like you did at the hospital. Well done on that by the way! And while it was hard (and I get it, I was there too), and while you had stress afterward because this stuff isn't easy, it will get easier as you continue to find your temperance and control your urges.

One last point on the dating. One of the big reasons I advise LBSs to really consider it carefully, and proceed with caution, is because in 10-15 years form now, when your sons are 20-24 years old and start asking questions, you want to be able to look into their eyes and say: a) you were above the fray (you didn't respond to your W in kind), and b) you did everything in your power to save thing with their mom, and c) that you handled yourself with grace and dignity. I've seen so many cases where a spouse cheated, and even left their marriage for the AP. But then when the LBS moved on with someone else while they were still technically married, the WAS spun it that the LBS "cheated too". Again, impulsively this seems right (meeting other women) since your W has fired you as her H. However, there are right ways and wrong ways to go about it, and for the sake of your kids you should error on the side of caution in trying to do everything the right way.

Oh on the "bucking", I said that because when LH gave you some objective insight, you dug in and went into defensive mode. It is okay to be wrong and make mistakes in this. As you said, this stuff IS hard. I bucked the advice here myself lots of times justifying my impulsive reactions. Read my threads and you will see I was FAR FAR FAR from the perfect DBer. But one thing I did was really consider the support, guidance, and feedback I received here and I highly credit that support, guidance and feedback for saving my marriage. But more importantly for saving myself!