Almost had a numbing anxious nervous breakdown yesterday. I smoked 2 1/2 packs yesterday. Journaling and therapy, I received some self focusing ideas and suggestions from co-workers on self focus which helped. I started out this morning as I do every morning, just trying to think about me, my goals, my focus, and it usually starts out empowering, but then slowly shifts on my rides to work about her, her focus, her improvements, (or attempts at them) my jealousy and insecurity of it, and measuring and comparing against myself. I had to imagine the STOP sign and yell at myself to stop at least 5 times. I realize I have back slidden on my changes from 2 months ago. Im going to start working out, running, or something today before the stress kills me.
This is the part that is making me mentally and emotionally insane, is the constant mind shifting of the focus between me and her because we still live together. I know on one hand to think about her is completely fruitless and doesn't serve me any longer at this point. On the other hand, it serves as a compulsive reminder for clues on what I need to change for ME. Its a constant internal struggle with me between letting her go, practically saying "the hell with her" at times to put the focus back on me, and other times, I just want to be the best version of me, regardless of what she thinks. One side of me wants to just GTF away from her. Not because of anything she is specifically doing, other than wanting to seperate and divide, but because I just want a fresh start, without having to go through all the pain of moving, negotiating, figuring things out, fully accepting it as my new reality....Living in a now distant, silent household, other than interactions with S1. I really have to ask myself sometimes, is it her, or is it me that's being distant. Probably both. I guess that's what we call "space" This detachment thing, being it, and doing it right is really hard as in to will yourself into that neutral but friendly mindset. She's there. (Or appears to be there)
I actually think I understand now what W meant months ago, about going numb, and most of the reasons for it, R issues, home issues, money issues, self esteem issues, etc...I can now relate to that.
I told my IC about my journaling, and its almost like I have 4 personas or voices going on in my head from moment to moment, and with each thought is intensity of emotions.
The first one is my prideful ego, pushing me to move forward, get stuff accomplished, move on, and pursue healthy, (and possibly unhealthy) dating... Avenues of companionship, because I feel alone, and barely supported. It is encouraging at times, I can do this, I can make an independent life work, I can pursue happiness, grow, nuture my well being and strive forward.
The second one is a hurt, numb, negative, hopeless, rejected, abondoned child with no desire to focus, strive forward, or think, just wants to rest, sleep, or have fun.
The third one is a side that wants to be more considerate, empathetic, and compassionate, that wants to put other peoples needs, and their POV of the world first, seeking understanding, to break me out of my own box of a world and how I perceive it to be.
The fourth one is just arrogance, and bitterness. Because angry feels better than hurt, or helplessness. But I really had to ask myself. Who am I really angry with? Her because of what she is doing? ? Or myself for backsliding?
My IC made a good suggestion yesterday about journaling specifically on each side or POV, and learning to integrate them.
I feel as if I am at the end of me, temporarily lost myself, and am at the beginning of re-committing, and focusing on the new me, the goals, the survival, the initiation and follow through. I have no choice, the house is getting sold no matter what on her agenda, and I can't afford nor do I want to keep the home, or buy her out. I have to figure out a life independent of her, for myself and my S1 and how I am going to maintain and provide for that, housing, etc. I'm going to probably have to purchase a lot of new things, car seat, bedding, TV, and all the stuff that comes with a child.
What is troubling my health, well being, and focus on myself is still living with her, and still having to negotiate things because of the child scheduling, unfinished house projects, division of time and labor, etc.
I need to go out and play, and GAL in the worst way. I'm just going to do it and still take care of priorities, but limit them on my timeline. I have to because if I don't set aside time/money to do some comforting things, instead of just work, eat, read, and sleep, im going to crack.
Another thing. W and I are probably swapping a few weekends around next month. Im going to think it through today before I give an answer. I mentioned Mother's day, and how my weekend falls on it, so I asked W what her plans and intentions were for Mothers day. She suggested, but only suggested she wanted to get myself, her mom, my mom, and S1 together at a local spot in town for brunch.
Again like Easter... I don't know what the right move is? Do I do things seperate like I decided to do for Easter? Or do I arrange the get together along with her suggestion? I know its for the sake of the Mom's and S1 and has nothing to do with the MR. Again on one hand, I need to emotionally protect myself, and I figure if she has been pushing the S all this time, then im going to act seperated. On the other hand, I feel like I am the one that's missing out, is being standoffish, and slapping away kindness from W and MIL. I know it's ultimately my choice. Im sure Sandi will put it to me one way, Steve85 will put it to me another way, LH19 will as well. WTH do I do? I know it won't have any immediate impact other than for the sake of the Mom's and S1 Or will it? It's like why does she keep inviting me to these things if we are going to eventually seperate?
