New to this - need to talk

[DnJ]

Hello bpd

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you find yourself here. However, there are many kind and compassionate people with much hard earned wisdom that can help.

Much of what you will hear will be counterintuitive; it just won’t feel or seem like the right thing to do. It’s ok, it takes a bit of time to understand what’s going on.

Follow the advice and suggestions. Post often, ask questions, vent, it really does help.

I see that Sandi suggested that you could try the MLC section if you feel your W is having a crisis. Sandi is a wise woman and understands how difficult it is to diagnose between a MLCer or WW; there are some difference between the two. However, your actions, behaviours, and responses are similar for each.

First off. Breathe. It will be ok.

You have been given a wonderful gift of time. Use it wisely.

This is a slow moving train crash you are now part of. You need to look away and extract yourself from it.

Focus on you and your kids.

Your W has declared many things. All those feelings she now doesn’t feel towards you. As unbelievable as it is, that is now her reality. She believes it. One of the worst thing you can do right now is to have relationship talks - do not have relationship talks - ever!

The best thing you can do is focus on you and the kids. (You will year that a lot. And it is absolutely the best advice.)

I know we all want to save our marriages. Lucky for you focusing on yourself and your kids, is the best chance you have of doing just that. I want to be clear on a very important point. YOU are the most important person in this equation. Focusing on you - is for you! This is not some trick or way to get your spouse to love you again and want to recommit to your marriage. It is to heal you, make you a better person, a person that only a fool would leave.

Your W needs time and space, and plenty of it. She will take it, she is driven to run from whatever it is that is troubling her. Understand she is operation on emotions now, she is not rational, she is completely irrational. That doesn’t mean crazy, it just means not using logic and reason. She is being driven by her emotional side.

If this is a MLC, something around usually 18-24 months before BD, triggered a deep buried trauma from within her. Something that most likely happened in her childhood, and has remain hidden and unresolved. It is a big trauma, really big. Something that she could not, was unable to process as a child with her coping skills of the time. Her psyche drew it deep within her, unable to handle the pain, the guilt, the shame. These poor young victims usually blame themselves for whatever happened.

At midlife when mortality, kids, and the problems of family and everyday thing becomes the norm, a trigger happens, the death of a loved one, kids moving out, a serious illness, etc... The trigger sets off a domino chain of events within them; this was predestined long before you ever came in to her life. Slowly over months and years they change. It is so slow and imperceptible that it often goes unnoticed or unrecognized by the loving spouse.

Eventually the pressures from past demons builds to a point they just can’t handle or hide from anymore - and boom - BD.

Realize her emotions are cranked to 11, everything is emotional, you cannot reason with her. She cannot face what she has inside herself, and she runs. She is absolutely driven to flee the pain and unrelenting torment that she faces. You, the faithful and loving spouse gets blamed for everything. She will incorrectly project onto you all manner of blame and justifications to allow her to do what she need to do.

You cannot help her.

You did not break her, therefore you cannot fix her.

Counterintuitive - I know.

Focus on you and your kids. Seriously.

If anyone can relate to my story and can give me advice, suggestions, stages etc. It would be much appreciated.

I offer to help you. I will suggest and offer advice to the best of my abilities.

I also convinced my wife to see a dr. The appt is next week.

MLCer are convicted there is nothing wrong with them. If you attempt to explain otherwise you will be blamed and more justification will be headed your way.

She admitted to going through a "transition" and that it doesn't mean that the outcome will or should include me. She keeps saying she doesn't have romantic feelings for me "right now" I keep asking if she is open to finding them once she goes through this transition. She says she doesn't think so.

This is true - for her.

Quit talking about this. Any pressure from you pushes her away. This particular subject, the romantic feelings, the more you talk about them, the more she will be reminded of how much she doesn’t have them. Not something you really want to do.

Basically (take a guess what I might say). Focus on you and the kids.

Leave her to her journey. She needs to take it, and there is nothing you can do to speed up, however you can slow it down. Let her do what she needs, let her see that her pain is not caused by you. Then she might look inward and see where the real pain is coming from. This take time. As I said - it’s ok. You have time. And you have work you need do on yourself.

I have read everything about MLC and I am trying to figure out where she is at in the stages and what my chances are of reconciliation. I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.

Yes, reading and learning about MLC is helpful. We all need a certain level of understanding before we can move forward.

bdp, your W is in replay and will be for a while.

“I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.“

Let’s modify this a bit.

“I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.” You do have a lot going for you - don’t forget it. The rest is manipulation and thoughts about her rationally seeing what she will loose. She is irrational and cannot see the losses.

I personally have been devastated, lost 30 pounds 180-150, but I do look amazing physically now. I'm trying hard to rebuild my confidence. We have decided to talk and treat each other like friends while she goes through this.

Obviously I am beyond scared about the outcome. I love my wife family kids etc. I want to save this so badly but she has zero desire to.

I understand your feelings of devastation. We all do. You will be alright.

I want you to consider your statement. “I want to save this so badly but she has zero desire to.“

I completely understand your feelings and how badly you want this, truly I do. And you see how she has zero desire to do so - for now.

Your first, and most important job is to save yourself. Focus on you and the kids.

I am sorry you are here.

And I am glad you are here. It can really help.

I hope to have many discussions with you.

Stay strong and focus.

DnJ