Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[SteveLW]

Been away from the board for a few days. Update on sitch...

Background:
1. IC says that I need to be careful as coming off to WW as if I'm "completely done". He's concerned that she will take this as more of the same (since BD issue is = neglect) and provide her more reason to just move on. Also how can you rebuild attraction if always distant.

Becareful. Most IC are classically trained NOT DB trained. Detached <> distant. Common LBS mistake. Present is the number one rule of loving detachment. Pleased. Upbeat. Cordial and kind. YOU JUST DO NOT REACT EMOTIONALLY TO WHAT SHE SAYS OR DOES. Negative or positive. This is why you LISTEN and VALIDATE.

If you are distant then you are not detached. You are unengaged. Not the same.

2. WW has always been friendly through the entire process face to face, with kids and $ settlement, as well as parenting plan. Still a lying cheater behind my back, but she has not portrayed a lot of the rude/mean characteristics of many other WW ive read about. <-- I know some will say this doesn't matter. But for me it's 'concerning' because I either let her have a little 'cake' or I come off as the rude/mean one.

This is reacting emotionally to what she says and does. IE NOT detached. Listen. Validate. It isn't complex. It is hard to get good at it but the plan is simple.

3. WW is girls gone wild. No specific OM that she is 'in-love' with. Multiple EA and couple of PA

Detached. IE this rolls off your back like water off a duck. You continue to key off of her and her actions and words. Stop. Focus on you. I will read below with a keen eye toward how your GAL is going. If it isn't I will issue a 2x4!

Sitch...
The night I took the kids for her (on her night) to get them to football the next day (because she had to work). S9 tells me that WW would not let him call me the night before. I questioned him multiple times to try and make sure what I was hearing was correct. Based on multiple answers it seemed that it might have been the case (just as he stated it). I was flaming made and texted WW: "S9 says that you would not let him call me last night, we agreed this would NEVER happen. Pathetic".

Not detachment. YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER. Even if she bad mouths you to the kids, you cannot control her. The more you try the more she will resist. Let me ask you.......how would a man only a fool would leave deal with this situation?

[b][/b] Now, in hindsight I realize I could have handled this much better. For one, even though she is a lying cheater she has never put the kids in the middle of our situation like that (so I probably owed her more respect/benefit). come to find out it was not exactly as S9 explained it (again, I probably should have known this) She took it HARD! No other text that night or next day. Finally on Sunday she texts me telling me that she is no longer going to allow S5 family birthday part at my house on Thursday. She says I can pick him up from School and have some birthday time with him but she will then pick him up and take him to GMA & GPA's house for family birthday.

"Okay, sounds good!" Again, you can't control this.

So I ask if she can talk. We get on the phone and I ask her what is going on? She says it's a combination of things, but most importantly the texts and I don't feel comfortable around you or the house. I pushed... what are talking about feeling comfortable??? She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't like how I took down every picture of her, nor did she like how I kept MB door closed when she was over the day of the MRI. She feels I'm being mean and manipulative and then the rude texts... I just don't want to see you. She is also upset because I was 'distant' when she came to family bingo night. "You really didn't even talk to me".

Text was rude. Learn and move on. But what you have to understand is this, no matter what you do it will be wrong to her. If you pursue and pressure, she will complain. If you back off and give her space, she will say you are being mean and ignoring her. With WWs YOU CANNOT WIN. This is why you do.....NOTHING. Be kind, polite, nice, accommodating. But focus on YOU. Your GAL. Your 180s. Loving detachment. Be so busy with all of that, and then you won't have time to react badly to her. (Remember, RESPOND to her do NOT react.)

At this point I"m feeling like I've clearly done something wrong (although I'm not afraid to make her mad) this was probably not a good situation to do so and most importantly I want save S5 Birthday party at my house.

So I explain that the pictures were necessary as I could not keep looking at her face (they were triggers for me). I explained that I replaced every picture I could to make sure the kids did not notice any holes (which they didn't). I explained that I'm not trying to manipulate just do what is best for me. AS for master bedroom door. I did do that to see if she would notice (not really sure why or what impact it would have) - just felt that if she is in MY house... that is now my personal space - so I'm keeping it more private. <-- this is not what I told her though. Just stated that I'm closing more doors upstairs and downstairs when they are not in use as it's more efficient for heating/cooling.

In my explanation of pictures and Bingo night I explain to her how she has hurt me deeply and even though I do like to see her and have her around form SOME events, it is still very difficult as I know you are sleeping with other people! I explain that it's too early for me to act 'normal' around her. I will work on it, but for now it will be a little uncomfortable while we go through this. This then sparks more relationship talk. She reminds me I'm not the only victim and that she is hurt and scared too. She tells me: "I'm not anyone else's" <-- her way of saying I"m NOT serious with anyone right now (but also still leaving it open to sleep around). I remind her of my boundaries and that I do not consider us "working" on this relationship through separation as we originally agreed - if she is still sleeping with other people. I will not be in an open relationship and will not compete with the "honeymoon phase & fantasy" of the other relationships.

First, asking for the call was a mistake. Second, YOU TALKED WAY TOO MUCH! You do not owe her an explanation for the pictures...SHE FIRED YOU AS HER H. Listen. Validate.

This was a setback my friend, no other way to put it. You should be avoiding these talks.....like the plague. Who cares if she complains.

Anyway, that is the meat of it. It lasted 1.5hrs. I got the birthday back at my house. I also felt like we had a decent talk as I was able to remind her that I'm hurt, ok but still hurt. Re-establish my boundaries that I would like to 'work' on this but not while OP are still around.

You should have done birthday without her, let her celebrate the way she wanted to. The talk was NOT decent. It got you no where. You re-established a boundary? You mean she didn't already know that? She didn't know you were still hurt? This talk netted nothing, except a birthday party that now includes her again and should not.

so now I'm torn... I know that overall this conversation really doesn't mean much. But as crazy as some of the stuff she is doing, I do feel like she is looking for reasons to save this R. I also understand the need for her to feel some loss as I can't just be plan B.

She has only been out for 2 weeks. So i know there is a lot of time - but where is the balance between DB and IC suggestions, as well as re-establishing attraction?

Listen to the IC and you will most likely be D'd. DB and you may still be D'd but the chances for R are better. We've all seen this 100 times if we've seen it once. DB is no guarantee, but what the IC is suggesting is ALMOST a guarantee of the opposite.

on a side note: I went out on Saturday met a woman who is also going through D. Not sure timing only overheard others talking about her sitch... but got her number and have been texting. Looking to possibly ask for dinner this week. <-- this really helped me over the weekend. I know I probably need to avoid sexual relationship - but I will not be limiting my options. Only making sure I"m completely honest with her about where I am emotionally.

So do you want to save your MR, or date? You can't do both my friend. This is a violation of sandi's rules.....stay away from the the bar scene. No good can come of it. You are going down the wrong road. Very few LBSs have jealoused their WAS back. You are going to end up D'd AND hurting this new woman. BAD IDEA.

Sorry for the 2x4s, but you are headed the wrong direction and need a course correction. And your GAL looks almost non-existent except to put yourself in bad situations. Like Saturday night. Go out with the guys. Forget women for now.