At this point, my greatest hope is that W can have a normal conversation without screaming at me or leaving the room.
I remember this. Between BD and him MO (6 months) all I ever saw in my H's eyes was resentment and anger. It seemed like if I breathed too loud I would get yelled at. There were times when I couldn't wait for him to finally MO, times when I wanted desperately for him to stay, and times when I just didn't know. And it showed. I cried, I raged, I demanded answers and I hid in the shadows. The me today would love to tell the me then to just maintain the high ground, and, hard as it may seem, not always let him set the temperature in the room. The me today would love to tell the me then that it was not me that caused the anger, but something inside him that was raging and that no matter what I did or didn't do, that he would rage all the same. So I might as well just let him rage. And go about my life as best I could, not be baited into arguments, and not demand answers when he had no answers to give.
I know it plays like a tape on repeat, but GAL, 180 and detach. You admit you don't know if you even want to R, but how can you tell if you are constantly in the eye of the storm. Get up in the morning and say "It's a new day", write a list of goals for you, start small (I will make my bed every morning, I will go to the gym three times a week, I will read one non-fiction book per week) and work on achieving those. Make that your focus. Not whether you will R or not. When you start to achieve those things, I promise that your mind will be calmer and you will be in a better place to decide what you want.
