That's a good goal to have, Alison, having daily contact with a friend. I don't think I quite have that, because my friends work odd days and travel and so on. Funnily enough the school holidays are the hardest for that sort of thing because the teens aren't very talkative and my friends are off with their families. So now the kids are back to school tomorrow it's back to normal. I have IC tomorrow, a big work deadline, then meeting a friend for a run on Thursday and another on Friday, dh is coming home Thursday night to see ds2 in a school performance. I'm thinking about just heading upstairs to the sofa bed and not even bothering asking him if he wants to share a bed. I feel the need to pull back a little but not sure why, I think because I haven't seen that much progress from him lately. Our 25th is in July, it would be nice to celebrate it but who knows. I have been thinking hard today about how ambivalent dh has been about our whole family for quite a long time now, it's really very very sad. I don't know how much of it is his work taking over his life and how much is damage from his past, but either way I wish I had shown more compassion earlier and maybe forced him to take action earlier instead of thinking things would improve. I don't know whether that would have worked though. Working out how much of this is me, how much is him and how much is us is a very tricky task I think.
Dilly 2.0 progress: I backslid on the wine the last 2 days, because there was some left in the fridge by dh. I should have poured it away. I've done some work but not enough, I have felt very distracted. Emotionally I have been a bit fragile but maybe that is as a result of spending quite a lot of time with dh over the last 10 days, far more than actually for 2 years I just realised? I also got my period today so that might also be a factor, these things turn up in mysterious ways nowadays and I never know when to expect one or not. Considering the hormones I've probably been remarkably calm actually, because the hormones have hit me like a truck the last few months. I'm going to yoga tonight so that will help a lot, then tomorrow I will throw myself into work big time to meet this deadline. I'm doing ok all things considered, feeling fairly patient and accepting but also not sure how long this will last. I feel like I'm holding on tight to dh again right now, not sure why. I feel like if we can get through this we can have a much better marriage, but I don't know whether he's capable of putting the work in. That's beyond my control, and something I really do have to accept.
