Persistent Endurance (Part 3)

[curtis7]

Can you give some examples of the validation you gave her?

Hi Sandi! Here are a few examples:

W: "I feel we need a set schedule so the kids have a sense of normalcy, know what to expect, AND so that they don't start thinking they run the show. I would like both of us to be able to see the kids every day when humanly possible.
H: "I can see that a schedule needs to be set for the kids for the reasons you noted. We should make sure they have time with both of us because they need that."

W: "This week was not normal with moving and such. I'm open to suggestions and changes...this is just tentative to help get through the first few weeks. Possible that once the 'newness' of my place wears off for kids, this may all go out the window and we revert to the January plan or a totally different plan. Again, we need to keep an open dialogue.
H: "It must have been a really hectic and stressful week for you with the move. It sounds like the kids are excited by the newness. I will need some more time to process the schedule."

Here is another one regarding a conversation about her divorced BFF that really seemed to grind her gears:
W: "Divorced BFF's XH still hasn't removed her name from the mortgage, he was supposed to do that by February. BFF had her L send XH a letter demanding that he start the process within 10 days. XH sent a letter to their daughter's school the next day informing them that the girls were being moved to a closer school next week. This means that BFF won't see her girls everyday because she teaches at the school where they have been going. I don't know why he would move them this close to the end of the school year. XH is only changing schools to get revenge for BFF having the L send the letter."
H: "That must be very difficult for BFF to deal with. I can understand how her XH sending the letter to the school the next day could seem like a way to get back at her."
W: "Oh, don't be so diplomatic LBH."
W: "I hope that no matter what happens between us that we don't use the kids as retaliation."
H: "I just want what's best for the kids."
W: "I agree."

If you have the mindset that you need to be bright and cheery to impress her feelings about you, then I think it could come across as a little fake to her. If you feel good about yourself and accomplishing some goals that have nothing to do with her, then maybe it won't be such a struggle. Feeling good about yourself is one of the reasons we promote GAL, working out, eating healthily, setting goals, etc.

I feel I need to be bright and cheery to follow some of your rules and recommendations of other vets when interacting with WW:
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.

I do feel good about myself most of the time. I am active with friends several times a week playing volleyball, coaching little league baseball, working out, going back to church, spending time with neighbors. Also, working on projects around the house that I've put off. However, sometimes my good feelings go away due to a feeling of overwhelming disgust around her and the absolute selfishness that she demonstrates. This may be similar to how she felt/feels about me prior to BD when she felt emotionally neglected and post BD when I was pursuing and pressuring her. I really need to focus on eliminating these slip ups and remaining positive because I know they are not attractive.

Your life, your behavior/actions cannot be all about her. You cannot get good enough that will impress the WW to save the MR. Not after she's crossed the affair line. When all is said & done, it doesn't matter how much you clean house or cater to her needs.......it won't change her heart. That's the trouble with some marriage books/programs out there on the market. They are trying to sell the idea that if you start showing her how much you care and basically try to do the things you should have done long before her heart turned cold, then it will draw her back. The reason it doesn't work, is b/c she has to respect him before her heart changes. Lack of respect is the heart of waywardness. And, before he can get her respect, he has to have a healthy dose of self-respect.

Yes, the fundamental problem is that she doesn't respect me right now. Her words and actions show the lack of respect. I'm beginning to accept that some good tough love is needed to regain self-respect and have any chance of respect from her in the future.

The saying that gets passed around the board......"Be a man only a fool would leave".......is misunderstood by a lot of H's who have a wayward W. I googled the definition of fool, and here's the results: (as a noun) a person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person. (as a verb) trick or deceive (someone); dupe. (as an adjective) foolish; silly.

So.....either way you look at it, the WW seems to fit the description of a fool.

Lol, very interesting!! I never thought about it that way. I always assumed that my W couldn't be a fool. Although, when considering the choices she's made, the definition seems to fit.