I love the knowledge bombs Sandi. I completely agree with you - there is never any behavior that justifies an affair or 3. But I have been an abusive husband.
Insecure, pouting, yelling, belittling her in front of others, would storm and stonewall, be moody for sex, get mad if she wanted to do things her way, be threatened by her opinion if different from mine, I was nothing of the husband I wanted to be.
I've spent a lot of time in counseling, meeting with other men, pastors, reading, journaling, wanting to understand and change these triggers and behaviors. I know the root of it was my childhood. And while I haven't been perfect, I am completely different in understand how these tendencies were so hurtful.
Fast forward to last week - her IC who does work with abused women exclusively reached out to our CC who has been doing this for 30+ years and has said to me that she has completely checked out and still in the abuse narrative. He told her counselor that he thought my W was not understanding how work able I was - but her counselor said that my W had no plans to rejoin me in the marriage being restored.
When I heard that last week, I asked my W why she didn't just want to divorce me. At this point, even my conviction to not divorce my wife has been challenged as I feel like "let's get on with it if you're going to leave". She hasn't told her parents the extent of it (of anything I believe) but whatever she's not satisfied with still isn't enough to make her pound the pavement for full time work. She's got it too good, taking naps during the day, watching Game of Thrones and going out with her work friends.
Tonight was the first time I have noticed that she's suspicious of something new in my checking out. I'm not hovering. Not trying to be affectionate. Not engaging.
She asked if anything was wrong ( she has several times this week) and I smiled and said not at all. She then said that I was being emotionally distant.
Later tonight I could tell she was even testing me to see if she could get a reaction. She was referencing that someone looked like her X from college and she remembers that "when she was over him emotionally, she was REALLY over him." I could tell it was a little jab and I did not even flinch.
I am so grateful for this group to know that many other people are going through these same things. Love y'all.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
