A Real Mess

[sandi2]

So about 18 months ago my wife declared that she no longer wanted to married "like this". She was referring to years of control, manipulation and emotional abuse by me.

Do you agree you've control, manipulated, and have been emotionally abusive? If so, can you give some examples?

I begged her to get into couples counseling with me, but she said she needed to be on her own, to heal and to understand the pain she was going through and would not prioritize the marriage.

So, has she been "abused" throughout the relationship? Have either or both of you ever gone to counseling to work through any issues within the relationship?

In July of last year she finally said she wanted to meet with her counselor where she dropped the bomb of having an affair (her 2nd one in 4 years). She said she wanted to give our marriage a shot. But she didn't let on that she was still talking with this OM and had also started an EA with another guy. Both men were from her high school past.

The MR doesn't have a shot as long as she continues to reach out to other men. The minute she started flirting or talking privately with some other guy........she barricaded her heart from having loving feelings for you. Nothing changes until she decides and adheres to NC with anymore guys.

Months went by, I continued to ask...and was denied. I continued to work, doing the things I hadn't done for her, help with the house, the kids, the laundry, the dishes, the lunches...I wanted her to know I had changed. The biggest thing of course were my responses to her.

Well how's that working for you? You want to do this for a woman who has told you she will not prioritize her marriage? From what I can tell, it's her that needs to make changes!

We began seeing a couples counselor who was really experienced with narcissism and control. I knew she'd feel validated and I would have to own my junk.

So which of you are narcissistic? Let me guess, she had no problem going to couple's counseling when it's you that is the focus of the M problems.

I am triggered by her phone every time it goes off. She is triggered by everything I do, even though she will tell me over and over I have changed. But she says that "she can't heal in this environment" so she needs to get out. But I notice that she's not trying very hard to get a full time job. She doesn't mind that I still provide the roof over our families' head and most of what we enjoy. I feel taken for granted BIG TIME.

Yep! And if you are so bad that it's driving her to all these men. it seems she would be finding financial resources (like full time employment) to get out.

Until I hear more about your abusive ways, I tend to think she is wayward. I'm not saying you don't have some stuff to work out. But, I will say that it is unusual to see a wayward W with an abusive H. It's not too unusual to see a WW accuse the H of being abusive, controlling, or whatever else she thinks will justify her affair. Hopefully, you will expound on your behavior, and then I can respond.

There is a rebellion. resentment (usually long term), loss of respect for the H, coldness, selfishness, deceit, and stubborn pride in the heart of a wayward W. There is a cold spirit about her, that sets her apart from other categories. Some have been known to neglect/abandon their own children. The H looks at her and wonders who she is, b/c she seems for foreign compared to the girl he married.

Okay, so currently I am just trying to get more information. In the meantime, don't repeat any of this to her or the counselor. Don't share the book. These tools are just for you.