I think what’s harder this time around is that we now know that love and relationships are transitory. I know that when I moved in with and later married my ex husband, I assumed that this was gonna be a forever thing. That we were family and that family love never ends. That neither of us would do anything that would justify ending love. I did not think he would one day not love me any more. But what is love? Love for a child is unconditional. For a partner it simply cannot be. But to commit it has to be there. It has to be wanted and chosen maybe? Or maybe only some are capable of it and that’s a blessed thing for a person to be capable of it. The Lin Manuel sonnet is so beautiful... love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed or swept aside.
I think maybe many of our exes simply did not love us. Not real love. It could be they are not capable. Or loved the concept of marriage and partnership but not the actual person.
I know this is a pretty crazy comparison, but you know how during a first round of cancer it’s a lot easier signing up for chemotherapy then the 2nd round? 1st round, you don’t truly know the suffering until you experience it. People that have to do it twice enter that 2nd round with a completely different mind set. They are not as optimistic. They consider not doing it. They go in weary and more defeated. I kind of feel like that when thinking about a new relationship. I know that there is going to be eventual discord and resentment. I know there’s the potential for infidelity and rejection and heartache. So what will keep me committed or him committed now that we both know there’s no need to stay. That would theoretically be love right? But how do you fall in love with someone else when you know the pain factor? I think love requires a vulnerability. You love this person and will risk hurt in order to love them then. That’s not really a linear logic though.
I think that’s why it’s so easy for walkaways to feel that intense limeraci. Why they seem to have an easy time meeting others and many of us LBS struggle. I think we hold back on love because we know the potential for suffering in a different way then they do. I think many of them never truly loved like we did.
Again, it doesn’t answer any questions about what love is. But I think to love, there is a selflessness to it.
