A Real Mess

[si13]

So about 18 months ago my wife declared that she no longer wanted to married "like this". She was referring to years of control, manipulation and emotional abuse by me. She said that any physical interactions between us (intimacy) were over.

I begged her to get into couples counseling with me, but she said she needed to be on her own, to heal and to understand the pain she was going through and would not prioritize the marriage.

Months went by, I continued to ask...and was denied. I continued to work, doing the things I hadn't done for her, help with the house, the kids, the laundry, the dishes, the lunches...I wanted her to know I had changed. The biggest thing of course were my responses to her.

In July of last year she finally said she wanted to meet with her counselor where she dropped the bomb of having an affair (her 2nd one in 4 years). She said she wanted to give our marriage a shot. But she didn't let on that she was still talking with this OM and had also started an EA with another guy. Both men were from her high school past.

We began seeing a couples counselor who was really experienced with narcissism and control. I knew she'd feel validated and I would have to own my junk.

She finally ended speaking with her affair partners in October 2018 but asked for a separation. We can't afford a separation. She works part time, I work full time. We have kids 5, 7 and 8.

I have tried EVERYTHING, well except this method of detachment, GAL and trying to do things without drawing attention to myself, my changes and our future. It has only been 1 week.

She still presses me for a separation BUT really we don't have the means to do it. She wants to stay with a mutual friend a few days a week, but I refuse to leave our house, mostly because I don't want to break our kids' hearts more than once. If she doesn't love me, THEN DIVORCE ME. We have been doing this for 18 months already.

I am triggered by her phone every time it goes off. She is triggered by everything I do, even though she will tell me over and over I have changed. But she says that "she can't heal in this environment" so she needs to get out. But I notice that she's not trying very hard to get a full time job. She doesn't mind that I still provide the roof over our families' head and most of what we enjoy. I feel taken for granted BIG TIME.

But I must be clear...I want the dream. I want the marriage that lasts a lifetime. I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, visiting mom and dad in their apartments.

Any feedback you have would be appreciated. I have detached now for a week (I know, not long) and it has gotten worse. I have stopped initiating any I love you's or affection. I have pulled away and started digging in to my home projects and fitness. All she can say is, "Is there something wrong?"

Feeling hopeless and yet I understand the purpose of this is also to prepare myself for a happy life with ME. I am enough. I can get through this.

Appreciate you all.