Hi gzabetas. I'm not sure if you're referring to my posts, but regarding blame, it was never my intention to assign blame to the LBS. I think in many cases we as partners want what is best for people we allow into our lives and get burned as a result. I also think 'blaming' is a toxic expression of the anger we feel towards people who, in spite of our best efforts, cause us tremendous hurt and devastation in our lives. Blame is pointless anyway. It's a loaded term that just gives 'meaning' to the rage we feel. It distracts us from what should be an understanding of our situation. It enables us to sit in judgement of another person, and makes us feel justified in negative choices we sometimes make as a result. It promotes wallowing in our pain. Often times we blame our selves as well which causes us additional damage. Worst of all, it can keep us from moving on and accepting how little control we have over the other person's circumstance. It's not a good concept.
I think the better way is to re-frame blame into something else. Instead of looking for blame, try to describe it to your self as trying to attain 'an understanding' of the dynamic that led both parties to the situation they find them selves in. It's kind of a Jedi mind trick we can apply on our selves, because it allows us to dump the toxic negativity that comes with the word 'blame'. This of course doesn't really solve our immediate problems. The pain, hurt, disappointment, and especially the fear, are emotions that work HARD against 'understanding', and blame enables us to continue 'feed' those feelings. It's especially cold comfort to someone who just had a bomb dropped into their lives. I know this. When my firs BD happened, the rage, both at my partner, and my self was all consuming. I blamed her, her messed up parents, the guy that raped her a year before we met, her skin condition, and the messed up world we live in. I especially blamed my self the most, and it was eating me alive. But then, I read an interesting story that changed the trajectory of my pain because it illustrated perfectly that 'blaming' just kept putting more and more air into the pain balloon. I needed less air in the balloon. Anyway, here's the story I copied and pasted from another site:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – his is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
It's a powerful story. It teaches us that we can succumb to the negativity, or we can chose to feed the good things that will attract other good things into our lives. Sometimes means a new relationship, or sometimes our old relationship coming back to us in a new context. This is why 'understanding' rather than 'blame' is key, and is a choice that is ultimately up to us to make. I'm not going to pretend that it is an easy choice. I struggle daily with all the negative emotions trying to beat my door down.
Ultimately, the point of 'understanding' is to forgive. To forgive our partner, but also to forgive our selves. Without forgiveness there is no release from the pain. There is just old age filled with regret. Anger, fear, resentment, and blame has never brought happiness, into our lives. I can also guarantee that none of these things have every brought back the partner of anyone who spent time in this forum. I defy you to quote a post where someone said "my fear, anger, and blame brought my partner back and now we're happy!" Am I right? So what is the point of blame anyway?
