I am trying to be lovingly detached, but sometimes, when the 'lovingly' part is not reciprocated, it feels like doormat. That isn't because I think I can win him back with kindness, but every now and then, it feels like my kindness is taken advantage of. Expectations. Not of R, but that he is capable of kindness back.
This puts into to words very clearly how I was feeling when H was here during his illness being waited on hand and foot. I wanted to be kind. I wanted to support him. I wanted to show him compassion. He is going through a terrible time and much of it isn't of his own making. In my heart of hearts yes, there probably was some expectation and pursuit in there. I of course have missed him and wanted him in the house and it was good to show him my changes and I was hoping he noticed them. He'll have picked up on my caring not being entirely altruistic, of course.
But at the same time, he was receiving care from me, and it was obviously hard for him to even summon up civility in return at some points, that that does make me feel taken advantage of - even though the kindness was something I offered and that he didn't really ask for.
It is a tangle. I think you're doing it just right, FS. How is your FIL today?
