Thanks for the blunt suggestions and clear responses, friends. I am feeling a bit better today. I don't think me feeling better and him being away back to his own house are a co-incidence, either. I know I find it nearly impossible to be my best calm self around him. I wish he could see the person I am when it's just me and the kids. Sad sometimes, yes, but also getting on with things and parenting more lovingly and assertively and developing myself and getting out and about every day. Feeling inner calm and some serenity, even if there is sadness and uncertainty mixed in there too. When I'm around him I turn into someone else - I don't enjoy being that person and he sure doesn't like being with that person either. I don't know if this is the case, but I sometimes wonder if the reason why he seeks out contact with me and I seek out contact with him is that we're both trying to find and get contact with that good calm best version of each other. ANd the act of seeking - the desperation and control involved - triggers other versions of ourselves to show up for the interaction. The act of not finding triggers it too. And it gets messy and hurtful and sad. Sigh. More time and space needed - as you all keep telling me.
I have been working on my list and I would love some feedback. I want a list of things that will feed and nourish me. This is partly about self care, but also partly about me building the life I want to lead with or without my H.
A list of walks to take in the countryside over the next four months - planned and scheduled into my diary. Some alone and some with the kids. (Do this plan on Monday). Sign up and arrange childcare to attend weekly local meditation class. (Done). Make contact with a friend every day - phone, text, email or in person. See friends in person at least once a week. Be present for them and the things that are important to them as well as honest about what is going on with me. Reading - an hour a day (at least). Half an hour for pleasure and half an hour for self improvement. (Reading is one of my great pleasures and other than obsessively consulting relationship-repair type books, I've hardly picked up a book since January). Get out my knitting again and finish my heirloom blanket and my prayer shawl. Download podcasts / audiobooks to listen to while I'm doing it. Put in funding application at work (by June) and promotion application (by November). Deepen spiritual practice - find a regular time for solitary prayer and meditation daily.
