Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

I need 2x4s and advice.

My focus in the last week has shifted temporarily to include my W a lot more than what I thought it would. This all happened with the moving to the new apartment and new house with both of us spending a lot of time with the kids to make sure they are adjusting well. One night my S6 said he didn't want me to leave her house so I stayed back until he fell asleep. W and I both have been cordial about this and she said I can come and go as I please. Even one time offered me the key and I declined.

Been a few days in the new apartment. Everything is quiet except me. I am on the second floor and when I walk the floors creak. Still have a lot of unpacking to do. I think it was Wednesday night after coming back to the apartment from W house I couldn't take another day of bathing so I went to a 24hour Walmart to buy a few things like shower curtain and liner. I was not going to keep using a 6oz cup to rinse myself in the tub.

The other day on the 18th I ran some errands like disposing the paint we had at the old house and W called and asked if I was going to pick her up for lunch. We had discussed previously we were going to meet to finish up doing stuff for the house. After lunch we ended up back at the new house, she invited me in and we watched Game of Thrones. There was no sofa or curtains at the time and we ended up having sex on the living room floor. If the neighbors were looking out their window they could have seen us. This could be part of being in the moment. I'd say the passion was there but if that means anything, I wouldn't know. I need some insight here.

Later that day W had to wait for a delivery and her sister and sister's H to come to help her put some stuff together. I picked up the boys from school. When I got back to the house, the BIL was telling me in another room that W said she could see herself getting back with this new me. I know to trust nothing they say. My BIL says from what he's heard about my sitch was that my W wasn't cheating on me in the sense I was thinking but could have been going to lunch with a male coworker. He said he swears and believes to his core my W didn't cheat from all the girls texting and talking, saying the sisters at her work would know and would have said something as much as they know. BIL says he gives us 6 months before I break my lease and we stop being stupid and work this out. I told him I appreciate him saying that but I don't think that's going to happen. I broke the rule of not speaking to her side. Since this guy is married to her sister, I consider him on her side. He was giving me advice because he was previously divorced. I told him if there were 10 signs, she'd meet 9 of them on cheating. I have no idea why I got into that mess with him when I've been doing good in the last 8 months. I think he just seemed to know it all and I wanted to tell him he didn't. I also told him I'm not trying to disrespect my W but he doesn't know everything.


W and I haven't talked about us but we are enjoying each other's company and she has invited me over to the house every day to be with the boys. Today she ran some errands and had asked me a couple days ago if I could be with the boys until she got back. I said sure no problem. She had a lash appointment and had to buy some stuff for the house so BIL could help do stuff.

My W and I, I feel are in an awkward stage of whatever this is. We both continue to give touch charges, when we pass things we slowly brush our hands against each other or hold the other persons arm, lower back, a few times hugging with my arms around her waist and her arms over my shoulders. She'd sit next to me opposed to months ago on the far side and she'd do nice things whether or not in front of her family or siblings like serving me something or asking me if I needed anything so it feels like she is warming up. However this is not constant. It's like she runs hot and cold with this to some small degree. Earlier I had dinner with her, the kids, and her brother and his wife and daughter. W commented on we made a great team. She said that a couple of times today and said we complimented each other. We got back to her place, went to brush our teeth and I went in for a hug. She gave me one but I sensed a little standoffish and I asked if this was a bit much and she said it could be. I've also found different moments to compliment her in what she does. Told her I was proud of her for her accomplishments with work and her great panache with the décor.

She texted me good night and thanked me for the evening and that she and the boys enjoyed it. I texted her back and told her thanks and also thanks for letting me know about earlier. She said she didn't want me to think she was rejecting me but also didn't want sex to stop us from working on ourselves. She said she really likes this new me and hanging out and didn't want us to fall back into old patterns. She re-iterated how she feels like we make a great team and compliment each other. Then also said but that means we are strong individually and as partners to each other.

This does not feel like what I thought I would be doing with drawing the line in the sand and keeping it all business-like.

This is that gray area where its been said thawing can be confused with temp checking and with the WAS using sex to keep the LBS hooked. So far I'm controlling my emotions and tell myself no expectations but I do think I'm slipping. What does this mean? I feel like I could be wanting more but I remind myself this isn't about me or what I want for the time being.

She had the boys midweek and will have the boys next week. On Friday I will get them for the following week.

I've mentioned this before that I read the post here where the guy saved his marriage with kindness while his W was with the OM. In that story the LBH I guess knew of the OM so at least there wasn't secrecy, if that amounts to anything. I had hoped to be like that guy. Then afterwards, I read what its like to be in the mind of the WW and the deceit. That deceit is still there in my W I'm sure but since there is no R talk, it doesn't surface. There is no longer any disrespect of any kind, no talking under breath, no saying anything bad at all in front of kids or not, no being secretive on the phone. Of course this could all be a sham, and then in the back of my mind I'm thinking and asking "How much time and thought do I want to give this and how much do I want to dwell on something I don't know?"

I feel a little guilty for enjoying some of the time I've had with her. I feel like I am letting down my guard for this woman and could possibly be hurting myself in the future. So, I am keeping my emotions in check.

Tomorrow for Easter, BIL is having something at his place for everyone and we plan to go with the kids.

I can picture the words of tough love and appeasing the W does not gain back her respect. Am I right that although it can feel like there is some traction in the right direction, this is not the right way to go about it? Since I'm physically separated now, I need to act like it and truly give her the space she has been wanting?

I definitely do not want to let W back in easy. At the moment there is no R talk so no chance for recon. I still hold firm in believing W will need to be remorseful for recon and honest about what happened. I guess because I don't see that on the horizon I'm enjoying the now. What makes me feel guilty about that is that I feel like I should be holding out for the future. These are not small wins to enjoy?

Btw, I will be working a lot of overtime in the upcoming months and she has offered to help with the kids on the weekends I am to have them.

This week I plan to get back into working out at the gym. Currently been resting a tennis elbow that is still painful to deal with.